I miss you, A. Jay

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You know, the funny thing is

I found the difference between thinking about you

and thinking about you

You have been on my mind for so long
that it is a normal thing

I got so used to your voice
that it engraved forever in my mind,
I will always hear you because you became one of the voices

So when I say I think about you a lot,
I mean you appear in the quietest places.

In untouched rooms.
In empty chairs. 

In the pause between thoughts,
there you are—
smiling, alive and beating

I cannot remember
when and where I got that memory of you

only that
I no longer wish to lose it like how I lost you

On the other hand, when I think about you—
my heart aches, and
my stomach punches the fucking butterflies.
Memories of your silly silhouette flashes,
I regret— try to repent.
I daze off— lose intent.

And repeat the phrases, "it's better off this way—
if we really were for together, then we would be together"
Like a chant,
a coping mechanism, and a prescription— all at once
Repeat it over and over again
until the pain learns to pretend

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