Dazed Off

the peace I can afford

From time to time,
I loose my ability to hear
the sound of unattended TV and barely working electric fan leaves me..
it is replaced with a ringing sound; banging loud and silently unbarred

I'm convinced that this happens
to make me snap out of it,
like a trying-hard gift from god

Because I think this is the closest I could get from peace,
the kind of peace that I don't have to constantly fight for..

It's a cheat code, a way from me to take a break from the suicide thoughts consistently encouraging me to do it

thank you for trying to help me, dearest creator
or at least that's what my faith for you
tries to see,
or maybe that's what my hope to get better tries to tell me...

it doesn't really matter,
anything other than sadness, I'll take it