Dazed Off

In an old journal, You are in it

I saw the drawing you made
It’s a school activity—'to draw your family’
I saw how you purposely drew yourself in the middle, holding your father’s hand on the right and your mother’s hand on the left
Not only to feel both of their warmth
But to keep them stringed together
I overheard your mom and dad break up
I know you saw the signs
I know you know how they both go silent—with frowned faces and sighs, after talking about things you can’t understand in the car
You breathed the air of hatred--
the air of scorn, coming out of your dad’s cigarettes and your mom’s murmurs
I secretly followed your mom after the break up. I wanted to comfort her
Instead, I witnessed her throw metal chairs
screams filled the room and I hid behind the open door in the bathroom
I remember thinking that she was acting like a toddler having tantrums for the first time
I remember thinking that she looked exactly like you

At that moment, I felt vulnerable, sympathetic and confused
And I thought, was this the feeling you’ve overlooked every time?
Tell me, when was the moment you realized that she only had you to string both of them together? She wasn’t serious and neither was your dad
I know it left you no choice
I know you are still confused