ｆｅｅｌ ａｇａｉｎ

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Jae, a month later ~

'Dear Jae,

I'd like to start this off by saying I love you. I should've told you way sooner than I did, because then I could've convinced you more before I left you like this.

Though in my defense, I didn't see this happening.

I wish I was in your arms, laying in your bed while you hold me and talk a bunch of nonsense.

I loved listening to you talk about anything and everything, even though I always tell you to shut up.

I knew I'd be my own downfall. And I was fine with it, until I met you. You made me feel alive again, like I was someone worth loving.

Like life was worth living.

This isn't ideal, and I know it. If I could be with you right now, I would. But that's not possible and it's okay.

I guess Ive come to terms with this. It's what's best for me, and I know you'll understand even if you're upset.

I want you to live well, if we never see each other again. I know you'll hate me for this, and that's okay, cause I pretty much hate myself, too.

I could fill this entire letter up with apologies, but I won't.

Instead I'll leave you knowing this.

I love you so much and I would die a thousand times, in a thousand lifetimes, if it meant I got to love you all over again.

And if I never get to feel your embrace again, never get to see your smile or hear your laugh, then I'll die happily knowing that once, you were mine as I am forever yours.

Yours truly,

Grayson'

"Jae," I look up at Benji, who's staring down at me sadly. "Come on, it's time."

"It doesn't feel right." I mumble, not standing from my bed as I hold the letter in my hands. "She should be here."

They all should.

"I know, and I'm sorry." He responds softly. "It's not fair. But today is our day, okay? Just one day, let yourself be happy. You're graduating high school."

I force a smile, knowing he's trying to cheer me up, but it doesn't work.

Nothings felt good or right in the last month, and he knows it.

But he's right, as of right now. We're graduating, I deserve this.

We all do. 

*

*

After our ceremony, the five of us go to a random resturant we find in Seattle, getting a table and sitting down.

The silence is tense and uncomfortable, until Morgan speaks.

"I'm so proud of you guys," He smiles. "You're gonna do amazing things, yknow?"

We mumble out of chorus of "thank you" and "yeah"

He sighs quietly glancing at Jan, tapping his fingers against the table and looking around at all of us.

"I know it's hard right now, guys. But cheer up, we can start over, y'know? A new chapter, for all of us."

"Do you know?" Diego asks lowly, and Morgan's eyebrows. "Because your boyfriend is sitting right here. Safe, sound, and within arms reach. So do you know?"