PJO + KOTLC Fanfiction

Noodle Arms

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Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after. 

Except Jack was me and whatever tackled me was Jill. I heard the loud crack before I felt the pain. Once I stopped tumbling down a hill, I sat--- dazed--- and looked at the damage the Noodle Amrs did to me. My wrist was floppy and already starting to swell. Even worse, it was my better hand. Then I noticed my lack of pockets and Riptide. Something had snagged both of my pockets and completely tore them. Just my luck. I cursed the Fates. 

My head throbbed. Gingerly, I touched and pulled my hand away, my fingers coated in blood. I grimaced. 

My shirt was torn, so I tore it halfway off and bit down on a stick. This was going to hurt like Hades. I set the bone. I held in a scream. Then, I began to wrap my wrist. 

After I finished wrapping it, I got worried that Noodle Arms was going to come back. I scrambled up from my spot on the forest floor, held my wrist close to my body, and ran. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew that I needed to be able to protect myself. 

So, I followed the lure of the nearest body of water. 

Just then, two bodies slowly materialized. 

"You see this Akadia?" The male figure complained in a whiny tone. I screeched to a stop and pulled out Riptide. "His first mistake, falling down a hill! The second? Rapping his arm with that trash."

"Oh shush it! Can't you see? Lazarus has a delicious unfair advantage against this small, pathetic boy," the woman cheered happily. 

I was exasperated. And deeply offended. I opened my mouth to say something, but pain and tiredness overwhelmed me. 

"And he's so tired he can't speak!" The woman cackled. The male sniffled and rubbed his nose. 

"So many mistakes in his lifetime. How amazing!" The man said. He seemed like he made a lot of mistakes too, considering what he was wearing. He had on orange zebra-striped pants matched with a flowery Hawaiin t-shirt. He wore some red high-heels and some green lipstick. His hair was a bird's nest and I'm pretty sure there were actual feathers in it. So, I was pretty sure this guy was Momus, the Greek god of Mistakes.  

As for the lady, I'm sure she was Akadia, the goddess of unfairness. 

"I'm--- not," I finally got out. 

"Not what?"

"Dealing... with this--- today," I spat out and then continued jogging. I heard a crash and a roar behind me. 

I cursed. "Third mistake!" Momus said as he materialized in front of me.

"What--- do--- you---- mean?!" I shouted as I ran. I tripped. I realized what he meant as I braced myself for impact and landed on my hurt arm. 

I rolled into something wet. I heard the sound of rushing water. Happiness surged through my body. I flopped into the water. My arm started to feel better, but the throbbing pain was still there. On the positive side, my energy was reimbursed. 

A roar filled the air. Colorful birds took to the skies. The covering of trees was ominous, leaving barely any light for me to see this monster. 

Or... maybe not. It was huge. Small compared to a giant but huge compared to me. It had six arms that looked like noodles, and a huge nose that looked like Gru from Despicable Me. It had a huge wart in the middle of its forehead and buckteeth. It smelled like onions and sewer water. I gagged. 

"Have you ever heard of a shower?" I asked it as it came within sixty yards of me. 

"What?" It rumbled. 

"That's what I thought," I murmured. The familiar shing and glow of Riptide were thrilling. I felt a burst of adrenaline surge through me. Water started sloshing back and forth. 

"Ooh-hoo!" Akaida laughed. "We're getting a show!"

"Ugh. I made a mistake bringing you!"

"Oh, the irony, Momus," Akaida rolled her eyes. 

"Will you two shut up?" I snarled, keeping my eye on the six-armed giant. This guy had six hands. How was I supposed to kill him?

"How dare he!" Akadia exclaimed. She placed a hand over her heart. "I can't wait to have an unfair fight with you!"

"Another mistake," Momus felt the need to point out. 

The six-armed giant gripped a tree around the base with his three left arms and ripped it from the ground. 

"Oh. My. Gods," I said. Akadia squealed with delight and clapped her hands. 

The giant prepared himself to swing and his makeshift bat came crashing down on me.