Off The Field

fourteen

Her heart aches as she makes her way into the living room where Leah is curled up at one end of the sofa. The blonde's eyes are red and puffy clearly from the crying she's been doing but it's the blank look on her face that brings the tears to her eyes.

'Le...' Courtney says softly as she makes her way up behind the sofa. Taking a deep breath, she leans over the back of the sofa and drapes her arms over the blonde's shoulders.

'I'm sorry I just-' Leah mumbles as she shakes her head causing Courtney to sigh.

'Don't. You don't have to be strong for me and you don't have to apologise... I didn't mean to push you away. I just- I feel so guilty that I lost our baby.' Courtney admits.

'You've got nothing to feel guilty about, Court.' Leah says, her hand reaching up to rest on the brunette's arm.

'C-Can I?' Courtney asks linking her fingers through the blonde's who nods her head.

'Course... Come here.' Leah replies. Making her way round to the front of the sofa, Courtney sits herself down on Leah's knee as the blonde wraps her arms tightly around the brunette.

'I don't blame you for not being here... I practically forced you out the door remember? You got to me as soon as you could, fuck you didn't even stop to change out of your strip.' Courtney says and immediately the blonde begins to sob into Courtney's chest.

'I should've been here.' Leah mumbles and Courtney shakes her head.

'You were here when I needed you, you're still here when I need you.' Courtney says pressing her lips against the blonde's head as Leah reaches up to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

'I'm sorry, I'm supposed to look after you. You're the one going through this.' Leah says shaking her head as she lifts her head away from Courtney.

'Physically? Yeah, I'm bleeding and I've got the cramps but we're both going through this, Le. It was your baby and it was my baby. We're both going through this loss. You don't need to look after me, you don't need to be strong for me. We need to look after each other... Your mum is going to take Bunny for us tonight.' Courtney replies.

'But I-' Leah begins and Courtney shakes her head.

'We've spent the past few days on autopilot. I know you've been so focused on trying to make things as normal as possible for Bunny and I love that you think of her and I love that you're always putting her first but we need time to process everything that's happened and we need to grieve for the little life we've lost.' Courtney explains as Leah bites her bottom lip.

'I love you.' Leah almost whispers.

'I love you too.' Courtney replies.

****

Wrapping her arms around Courtney, Amanda sighs as she pulls the brunette into her arms. She's spent the past two hours speaking to both of them and just trying to reassure them that they will make it through this, that things will get easier with time.

'Earlier, you said that I would hate you because it was my first grandchild...' Amanda says softly causing Courtney to nod her head.

'I hope you know that despite the fact we've come into your life a little later than usual, my family will always consider you and Bunny our family. I hope you know that on my desk at work, alongside my picture of Jacob and Leah, I have a picture of you and Bunny because blood doesn't make a family, Courtney. Love makes a family and the love I have for both of you will always be there... Biologically that baby might have been my first grandchild but through love? Bunny will always be the first.' Amanda says and tears immediately fill the brunette's eyes.

'Yeah?' Courtney asks and Amanda nods her head.

'Always. I know David and Jacob feel the exact same about Bunny as well... In fact, I think Jacob is looking forward to seeing Bunny when he comes over at Christmas, more than he is seeing me or Leah.' Amanda replies causing Courtney to smile slightly.

'Thank you, Amanda.' Courtney says quietly.

'No, thank you for making my daughter so happy and for letting us be part of that wonderful little girl's life.' Amanda replies.

'She loves her Nanny Manda.' Courtney says softly.

'Go get some sleep. Look after each other and I'll bring her home after nursery tomorrow... If you need anything, if either of you need anything then you know where I am.' Amanda says as Leah makes her way over to the front door having successfully strapped a sleeping Bunny into her carseat in Amanda's car.

'Thanks for having her again, mum.' Leah says softly, her arm wrapping around Courtney's waist and gently pulling her into her side.

'Anytime. Like I said to Courtney, I'll bring her home after nursery tomorrow... You two take some time and just look after each other.' Amanda replies and Leah nods her head.

****

'I want to turn back time.' Courtney almost whispers as they lie in bed, her arm thrown across Leah's stomach as she blonde kisses the top of her head.

'To when?' Leah asks softly.

'The day of our scan... Seeing your face light up as our little blob appeared on the screen, watching the look of pure love on your face as you watched her do all of the measurements that she needed to do.' Courtney admits.

'You know, even if I knew it was going to end this way I would do it all again for those moments... The scan, the nights we'd lie awake with me just talking to your belly even though it was still really tiny.' Leah says causing Courtney to laugh slightly.

'I would too... I would go through all this pain, all this heartache for those moments because they meant and will always mean the world to me.' Courtney replies and Leah nods her head.

'This is really shitty, isn't it?' Leah mumbles, her voice filled with emotion as she feels Courtney's fingers brush against her hip where her t-shirt has risen slightly.

'Really fucking shitty.' Courtney says quietly.

'We'll be okay... We just need time to grieve, to heal.' Leah says and Courtney nods her head.

'We just need time.' Courtney replies.

'I-I think we should name the baby. I know people will say it wasn't really a baby yet and it was still so early but I just- I don't like the idea of our baby not having a name even if we didn't get to have them for very long.' Courtney admits and Leah nods her head, her arm tightening around her waist.

'Mm... I think naming our baby is a really good idea, Court.' Leah replies.

'I didn't realise how much this would physically hurt. I feel like someone is ripping my insides out.' Courtney says quietly.

'If this is half of what you feel when you have an endo flare, I don't even know how you cope.' Courtney adds.

'What do you need? A hot water bottle? Another one of my patches?' Leah asks and Courtney shakes her head.

'Just you.' Courtney replies quietly.