Off The Field

sixteen

'Le...' An unexpected voice says softly causing her to lift her head off the pillow to see Alex leaning against the doorframe.

'Al... What are you doing here?' Leah asks leaning up on her elbows and gesturing for the other woman to come into the room.

'Courtney phoned me. She's worried about you, Le. Your mum is as well.' Alex replies causing the blonde to sigh. Immediately tears fill the blonde's eyes as she shakes her head and watches Alex begin to make her way over to the bed.

'Courtney told me what's happened...' Alex says softly as she sits down on the edge of the bed.

'I'm so sorry, Le.' Alex continues watching as something in the blonde breaks and her body begins to violently shake with each sob that leaves her body. Moving closer to the blonde, Alex wraps her arms tightly around her and pulls her into her chest.

'Hey, I've got you... I've got you.' Alex says softly, her heart breaking at the sight in front of her. They've been through various different situations throughout their friendship; breakups, major injuries and family issues but she's never seen the blonde like this. She spends what feels like hours just holding the blonde as she sobs into her chest and for the first time today she understands exactly why Courtney and Amanda were so worried.

'I feel so angry.' Leah admits, her body settling slightly against Alex.

'With who?' Alex asks.

'The world... Everyone is just continuing on as normal and I feel like I'm struggling to keep myself afloat. Which I know is so fucking selfish of me because Courtney is just here having physically felt every piece of that loss.' Leah replies and Alex shakes her head.

'It's not selfish, Le. We are all entitled to feel exactly how we feel. Anger is one of the stages of grief that unfortunately you have to work through... I imagine the fact that no one knows is making this all ten times harder because people don't know the reason you left camp, they don't know what you and Courtney are going through.' Alex says causing the blonde to sigh.

'I'm not saying they deserve to know because that is absolutely nothing to do with anyone other than you and Courtney but I'm just saying that's why they don't understand, because they don't know.' Alex explains.

'I feel like I'm letting Court down. I'm not being strong and holding it together for her. I just- I'm a mess.' Leah says.

'Can I tell you something?' Alex asks and Leah nods her head.

'I spoke to Courtney downstairs before I came up. She said she couldn't have got through the past week without you, she said that you've been her rock but she feels guilty because she doesn't feel like she's been there for you.' Alex says.

'B-But she doesn't need to be there for me. She's the one who's going through it, she's got nothing to feel guilty for.' Leah says and Alex sighs.

'Neither of you have anything to feel guilty about, Le. This is what I'm trying to tell you. What you're feeling, you are absolutely entitled to feel.' Alex replies causing Leah to reach up to wipe her cheeks.

'I just want to make it all better.' Leah almost whispers and Alex nods her head.

'I know you do but unfortunately this isn't something you can make better. It's just something you guys are going to need to work through.' Alex says softly.

****

'How did you know?' Leah asks softly, her arms wrapping around Courtney's waist in a similar way the brunette had held her yesterday.

'Know what?' Courtney asks smiling as she leans back into Leah's embrace.

'That I needed a pep talk from Al.' Leah says causing Courtney to smile.

'I just know you so well... My first thought would've been your mum but you were ignoring her messages as well so I thought of Alex.' Courtney replies.

'Thank you... I think I needed that and it's not that I didn't believe you or mum when you were talking I just-' Leah begins and Courtney shakes her head.

'You needed your best friend, Le. There's nothing wrong with needing your best friend... How are you feeling?' Courtney asks.

'Better... I mean endo wise I still feel pretty rough. My legs hurt and I've got a headache but I don't feel as crampy.' Leah replies.

'Good, I'm glad... Do you want to do anything today before Bunny needs picked up or do you want to just have a day in the house?' Courtney asks causing Leah to shrug her shoulders.

'I don't mind, whatever you want to do.' Leah replies.

'No, we went out yesterday because I wanted to go out, because it was what I needed... What do you need today?' Courtney asks.

'A day on the sofa with you.' Leah admits and Courtney smiles.

'Then that's exactly what we'll do... Why don't you go grab our cover from upstairs and I'll make us some food?' Courtney suggests causing Leah to smile and nod her head.

'Can we watch Star Wars?' Leah asks.

'We can watch whatever you want, bubs.' Courtney replies smiling. Making her way upstairs, Leah grabs the covers off their bed and makes her way to the living room where Courtney has already grabbed them some 'picky bits' as she likes to call it and is beginning to set up the film.

'Come on, bubs... Get comfy.' Courtney says softly.

****

'I've got a plan...' Courtney says as she pushes herself off the blonde's lap and into a sitting position. She pushes herself off the sofa and gestures for the blonde to follow her as she makes her way into the kitchen.

'Where are we going? W-What are you doing, Court?' Leah asks watching the brunette open a cupboard and begin to grab their plates out of it.

'I'm angry.' Courtney says.

'At our plates...' Leah asks cautiously.

'At the people who are making shitty comments online judging us for something they know nothing about. At my body for not keeping our baby safe. At the doctor in the hospital who told us it was 'just one of those things'. At everyone who gets to live their life as normal without this giant part of them missing.' Courtney admits continuing to pull plates out of the cupboard.

'Okay... I understand why you're angry. I just- I'm not quite sure I understand what that's got to do with our plates.' Leah says softly.

'I want to smash them. I want us to go out into the garden, onto that little bit that isn't grass and just smash them.' Courtney replies.

'Okay.' Leah says quietly.

'Okay? You're not going to tell me I'm being ridiculous or irresponsible or that we need plates to eat dinner off?' Courtney asks and Leah shakes her head.

'I think we're both angry at the world, Court. I think smashing plates would probably be a good outlet for some of that anger... We can buy more plates.' Leah replies grabbing half of the plates. Silently they make their way out to the small area of their garden which they planned on using for their barbecues due to the fact it is completely flat with concrete slabs and separated from the rest of the garden by a small wall.

****

Tears stream down both their cheeks as they stand surrounded by broken plates and bowls, their arms wrapped tightly around each other.

'Forget getting new plates, we're gonna need a whole new dinner set.' Leah mumbles causing Courtney to laugh.

'I can pick one up when I've picked Bunny up from nursery?' Courtney says.

'Maybe we both could go?' Leah suggests.

'Yeah? I thought you needed a day on the sofa? Don't push yourself, Le. I've had over a week of being in bed or on the sofa while you did all the running around, all the entertaining Bunny... It's your time to grieve and heal now.' Courtney says.

'I think all I really needed was you. I just needed to open up and be honest with you, be honest with myself.' Leah replies.

'We're going to be okay.' Courtney says and Leah nods her head.

'We're going to be fine.' Leah replies.