Safe With Me |18+

Casual.

I spent the next day locked in my house, trapping myself and possibly stopping the air from entering my house. I knew I was at an utter loss. At some point even having Elora in my life wasn't enough for me to stay alive.

I sat on the floor of the living room, staring outside and holding back my tears. I knew I had so much anger and pain inside and I couldn't even control it. I wanted to feel okay.

I wanted to believe that after the death of my father I could finally rest knowing no one was gonna come and chase me around with a knife.

I had friends who loved me. But I was feeling unloved at the same time. I had a sister who looked up to me and I felt like I had no power at all. I don't think I could've done much anymore. I just wanted to suffocate and die.

I stayed away from the outside world. I shut off my phone and stayed close to the centre of the living room, letting it spin around me constantly till it made my head hurt.

I wanted to let go. But I couldn't. Because I knew I had so much to live for. And I wanted to live for myself. Because after everything that's what I fucking deserved. To be happy.

I remembered the amount of times I get beat down just for fucking breathing. It was a crime for me to exist and I knew I didn't want to anymore.

But every time I saw El her face lit up and it gave me more reason to stay awake. She gave me a nudge in the arm to get back up and face another day.

But she's not here. She's safe with Nina and Patty and that was enough for me. I couldn't protect her. Not with my mind still fucked up. But she had a family there. And she deserves a happy home. Not like mine.

Kelsie and I didn't drift apart. But I shut her out I know. She must hate me for that but all I wanted was a day to myself and think about my choices. Whatever I had planned next would affect everyone. Including me. But I had to take my chances.

I pushed my legs flat down and I laid on the ground. I stared up at the ceilings staring at the blotches tattooed above. I frowned.

I was in a house that I had so illegally been used as a pawn, I'd been abused mentally and physically and I still had the will to live. Right there on the kitchen floor was where he died. Out there on the ring was where he died too.

And up there in my room was where I died.

I wanted to be strong. I remembered every advice I'd given Elora and how she'd taken it to heart when I couldn't even take one. She must think I'm a fucking loser. For killing her step dad and she didn't even know that.

I was a fucking liar and I know that. But I couldn't tell her. She's too young. She's too small. She's too fragile for this world and yet she's brought up in a violent household and still manages to push through every event with a fucking smille and grin.

It was unfair. She deserved better. And I know I did too.

I sobbed on the floor, crying all my tears out so I wouldn't have any left. I closed my eyes and lived out my whole life in my head, from my first cut to my first fight to my first win. My encounter with the bully boys who now became my friends. My friendship with Kelsie and the unity with her family.

I didn't need this. I didn't need to be taunted. But it was necessary. It wanted to push me further. And I let it. Fine. Let it push me further. As long as it doesn't push me over the fucking cliff.

**

The door opened loud and I felt strong arms lift me up and place me on the couch.

"Cora?" I winced and turned away.