what would people say? || b.e

thirty

i watched miss eilish jump a little and drop the papers she was organizing back onto the desk, clearly startled by me suddenly making my presence known.

she quickly turned around, looking at me with eyebrows furrowed. probably confused as hell as to why i was talking to her after a week of completely ignoring her.

"y/n..?" she asked quietly and i swallowed hard, looking down at the floor. i couldn't look her in the eyes, it just brought back memories of everything that had happened. the way she called me a casual fling after leading me on and cheating on me with her fiancè.. it all hurt far too much.

and somehow i want her.

"miss eilish.. hi." i spoke quietly, pushing myself to look back up at her and forcing a little smile.

she looked at me for a few seconds, just blinking slowly, as if trying to process what was going on and figuring out what to say. she took in a deep breath as she reached for the textbook on her table and i could see her hands visibly shaking slightly. was this because of her argument with ty?

"um, do you- do you have a doubt in the lesson?" she asked quietly, taking the textbook in her hands and slowly flipping to the page. "or a problem with the homework questions or something?"

it was obvious that she was trying to hide how shaky her voice was, her bottom lip was visibly quivering. i frowned as i watched her avoid eye contact and keep her eyes on the textbook, shaking my head before letting out a deep sigh. "actually.. i was hoping we could talk." i mumbled quietly, looking down at the ground and shifting nervously from one foot to another.

there was pure silence for a few seconds before i heard a slam of the textbook being placed back on the table. "oh, so now you want to talk?" she snapped and i looked up at her, brows furrowed. her tone was harsh, i sure as hell had not expected her to snap at me out of nowhere.

"what? miss eilish, i-"

"no! no, you don't get to ignore me for a whole week and then come running back to me to try and 'talk'. do you think i'm some kind of idiot? what the fuck is your problem?" she spoke harshly, her eyes holding back so much hurt.

the nerve of this woman.

i scoffed, shaking my head. "okay, i came here to have a civil conversation and you snap at me? miss eilish- just because your fiancè treats you like crap, doesn't mean you have to treat me the same way. i mean, what is actually wrong with you? you lead me on, cheat on your fiancè with me, tell me you like me, kiss me, then call me a casual fling?"

i was pissed, so fucking pissed. i try to look past everything to clear the air between us, to talk things out, maybe ask for some closure and establish that we can have nothing more than a normal teacher student relationship. but then she snaps at me? what the fuck did she think i'd do after she called me a casual fling? worship the ground she walks on?

"and you expect me to be okay with all of this? do you take me to be a fucking joke? you're lucky i'm not marching over to the principal's office right now and getting your ass thrown in jail." i snapped back harshly, my words bitter and cold. i shook my head and grabbed my bag, leaving the classroom without letting her utter another word to me.

"stupid, stupid, stupid." i repeated under my breath, my breathing heavy. all i'd wanted was a normal conversation. hell, i was literally about to apologize for everything that happened with her when clearly she should be the one apologizing.

but i'm so sick of putting up with all of her bullshit. i'm not tolerating any of that anymore, i'm so done. if she wants to be mad, fine. so be it. i'm not going to do anything to try and diffuse the tension.

i quickly walked over to the next class, thankfully miss alice is always late to our english class so i got there in time. i took my seat behind sabrina, conan's assigned seat being right next to mine certainly didn't help my mood.

sabrina turned around to look at me, her eyebrows furrowed as she saw the clear frustration written all over my face. "what happened? what did you say? what did she say?" she asked curiously, searching my eyes as if to find some answers there.

i let out a deep sigh, shaking my head. "went off at her. don't wanna talk about it." i mumbled, looking down at my hands on the desk.

i could hear her gasp slightly, whispering a quiet "finally" under her breath and i couldn't help but crack a little smile at that. she noticed my smile, letting out a little laugh. "took you long enough. she should've been yelled at a long time ago. hopefully the woman finally comes to her senses." she spoke and i looked up at her, giving her a little smile as i nodded.

"no i know. i really shouldn't have tolerated her crap for so long. god, i don't know what was wrong with me. i mean, why did i put up with her bullshit for so long? crazy." i chuckled in disbelief, shaking my head.

maybe because i'm in love.

"i know, i'm just glad you finally realized." she said with a little chuckle as she shook her head.

it was around an hour later when sabrina and i were sitting at lunch with the rest of our friends that the guilt of yelling at miss eilish began setting in. she'd just yelled at ty and was clearly already frustrated at him. it was obvious in the way her voice was audibly shaking that she was really hurt by whatever he'd done too.

maybe, just maybe, i shouldn't have yelled at her. she probably was so frustrated with ty that she ended up taking it out on me.

i felt a sinking feeling in my chest as i thought it over, god, i'm an awful human being. she's clearly been going through stuff at home and i just snapped at her like that.

i picked at my food, i felt sick. i didn't feel like eating anything anymore. this is why i'm barely ever rude to anyone, the guilt always hits hard.

sabrina seemed to take notice of how quiet i was and she tore her attention away from the conversation going on at the table, looking at me as i picked at my food. "y/n?" she called out, making me look over at her. her blue eyes held so much concern as she tried figuring out if i was okay. "are you alright? why're you so quiet?"

i just shrugged my shoulders, knowing she'd probably kill me if i admitted the real reason.

"oh my god," sabrina mumbled, shaking her head. "no, no don't tell me you feel bad. y/n don't you dare tell me you feel guilty for giving miss eilish what she deserves."

fuck, she knows me too well.

i shrugged my shoulders again, looking back at my food as i continued picking at it. i heard her sigh softly and could see her shaking her head in disbelief from the corner of my eye.

"y/n, please. she's treated you like nothing but shit for so long. you yell at her one time, and you feel guilty? when are you going to understand that she's the one in the wrong here?"

i let out a deep sigh, nodding slowly. "i know, i know." i muttered quietly, looking over at her with a frown. "it's just- she's clearly dealing with stuff with ty. you saw the way she yelled at him outside the classroom. and she probably snapped at me because she was so frustrated with that and-"

"y/n no." sabrina was quick to cut me off sternly. "don't you dare try to make excuses for her. not anymore. she treats you like absolute crap all the time and you don't take that shit out on anyone else, do you? what right does she have to take her frustrations out on you? if you really are just a casual fling to her, she'd shut the fuck up and leave you the fuck alone."

i'd never seen sabrina this mad in my entire life. the girl was clearly pissed with everything that was going on, more pissed that i am at this point. she wasn't yelling or anything but her tone was strict. clearly she wasn't just joking around, quite contrasting to her usual carefree personality.

i stayed quiet and turned my gaze back to my food, nodding slowly. "you're right." i mumbled quietly, sighing softly. "you're right. i just.. i just have to accept that she's not mine and move on. she never was and she never will be."

and i just have to deal with that.

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