𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆

23 | Facade

Tell me, am I broken? I can never leave
Biting on my tongue and checking if it bleeds
✧༺♥༻✧

I don't know if I slept. If I had, it felt like I blinked before my body was forcing me awake. Pushing the blankets off my body because this morning I needed that run.

I needed the cold air on my face as I pretended that I could run from all of these feelings. If that was the case, I would never stop running.

I didn't feel tired, I felt scared and miserable as I got ready quickly. Making my way out of the building and to the track that I saw as an escape. My escape was running, I wish it was that easy mentally.

I ran, it was my thing. Some days—days like this I ran until I couldn't. Inhaling the cold air and hoping the chill in the breeze made my face less puffy from my tears from the night.

I didn't like to cry. It felt useless when the feeling was almost constant. It always came back and for a moment there I thought it was all finally behind me.

When I was younger I thought maybe I would outgrow that feeling. That I would somehow grow content with the lack of presence around me, spoiler, still hasn't happened.

I met someone, and for the first time I felt seen and occasionally I felt heard. I held onto it. When things got bad and I was left feeling insecure and desperate, I held on because I never had someone like that.

Then, I met him. Truthfully I always was aware of Minho. Everyone here is, even if you don't want to be. He was this rich, smart, and really hot guy who so happened to have a not-so-great reputation around here, of course, I was intrigued. I sneakily watched him practice sometimes, it was the closest I got to him until this year. I used to hear he didn't have roommates but here I was, his roommate.

Minho introduced me to a new feeling. Unlike Luke he didn't just give me one thing, he gave me more. He didn't just see me, he heard me. Listened to me and not only looked at me but watched me. He learned me and paid attention to me. He lifted me up, and made me smile, and laugh. It was me, me, me and I wanted it to be him, him, him. No, I wanted it to be us. I wanted this to be equal.

I stop running, trying to catch my breath as I walk to the bench. Taking a seat and looking up to the cloudy sky, sweat dripping down my hair and into my neck.

I just needed someone to tell me it would be okay. I needed that constant reminder because right now I slowly started to forget it. I needed that gentle voice.

I look down and pull my phone out, tapping on my emergency contact and inhaling as I hear it ring over and over, calling again but the same thing happens, no answer. My throat tightened as I sent over a text instead.

I miss you.

I look at the time and only now realize it is breakfast, grabbing my water bottle and rushing away from the track.

✧༺♥༻✧

I look down at the distance below me and then forward to the trees ahead. I didn't bother going to breakfast, I ended up showering and going up the roof.

I just needed to breathe but everywhere I went I felt like I was gonna choke, my throat feeling tight and my eyes burned.

My phone buzzed and I looked down to the name on the screen, a small smile on my face as I answered it. "Mom" I call to her, happy she finally answered.