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✦ { Holly } The Crows

Reviewer: lantea-

Client: entleology

🌹 The Crows by entleology

🌹》Title, Cover, & Blurb

The title fits the story and it's appealing to the readers. The cover is appealing and it attracts readers. The small text is a little hard to read though. The blurb could introduce the story and characters better. It feels like it's just explaining the world to the readers instead of introducing what the story is about. Some of the sentences in the blurb don't flow well either.

🌹》Plot

The plot wasn't very clear and engaging. It's a little hard to understand at some parts. The exposition needs to introduce the world and characters better. The information about the world is dumped on the readers and it's not explained well. The plot is also progressing quickly despite the kinda short chapters. Don't rush through things, expand on what's happening. Expand on the events that are happening. The readers don't get to know much about Shira and her parents before they're killed and she's banished to District 10 for treason.

🌹》Characters

The characters weren't really developed. They need to be introduced and described better. There wasn't a lot of description for the characters' appearances. Their personalities were shown in the story, but they weren't shown well. The characters seemed one-dimensional, the readers got to see one side of them and that's really it. The relationships between the characters also needs to be shown. The readers don't get to see much of Shira and her parents' relationship.

🌹》Grammar/Spelling

I noticed a few spelling errors and there were a lot of grammar errors. Make sure the tense is consistent throughout the story. The story is in the past tense, but sometimes you switch to the present tense.

Make sure to keep dialogue/actions for characters on the same lines.

For example, you have this part in chapter three:

"Answer me."

"Peter."

He opened his eyes and started laughing even if blood was spurting out of his mouth. "You are really hopeless, Shira," he said.

He looked me dead in the eyes. "Fighting. Killing. Death. Are those the only things that run through your mind? Shira, why are you asking what I am doing here? Is that really important for you? Do you ever wonder what's inside the kitchen, or are you just stupid enough to realize that your dead parents are there?"

It should be like this:

"Answer me. Peter."

He opened his eyes and started laughing even if blood was spurting out of his mouth. "You are really hopeless, Shira," he said. He looked me dead in the eyes. "Fighting. Killing. Death. Are those the only things that run through your mind? Shira, why are you asking what I am doing here? Is that really important for you? Do you ever wonder what's inside the kitchen, or are you just stupid enough to realize that your dead parents are there?"

🌹》Writing Style

The writing style needs work. Make sure you're showing the readers what's happening instead of telling them. Also, be sure to add in descriptions of not only the characters, but the scenery as well. Work information into the story and don't dump it on the readers at once. Also, work it in and show it to the readers so you're not simply telling them everything. Instead of telling the readers about the luxury Shira lives in, describe it. Describe how their home looks, the food, the fancy things they have. The phrasing needs work as well. A lot of the phrasing is awkward and makes the story a bit hard to understand. The phrasing needs a lot of work. You have this dialogue in the second chapter, "Shira, can you stop participating in the Ground? We're worried that you'll get killed and won't be able to return to us, your parents." You don't need to add the "your parents" part at the end. Shira's mother is talking and the readers know what she means when she says "us."

🌹》Enjoyment

The story didn't draw me in and make me want to keep reading. The story was a little hard to understand in some parts and it felt rushed.

🌹》Overall

Overall, the story has an interesting premise, however, it needs to be thought out and developed more. As mentioned, don't rush through things, expand on the events. Be sure to show the readers things instead of just telling them. Don't dump information on the readers all at once. Develop the characters more as well and show their relationships to the other characters. The story also needs an edit to fit the errors as well as fix the phrasings. Make sure you're staying consistent with the tense you're using as well. Good luck with your story!