unspeakable | jegulus

pointed finger, painted smile

chapter title: cloudy by simon & garfunkel

Their dorm room was still welcoming even when it was empty. Unmade beds spilled sheets and blankets on the floor. The room was illuminated in warm light from the lamps positioned at each bedside. All of their beds were cluttered with pictures and posters, each messy in their own way. Peter's bell bottom jeans were thrown over the end of his bed along with a chaotic pile of shirts and jackets. James felt a pang of longing for the past at the sight of all of his things in his corner of the room, recently touched, recently moved. He'd always fussed more than any of them about what to wear on the weekends. He wondered if he finally got a date with that Ravenclaw girl he liked in the year below them. Emma. James gazed at his things and missed him. The persistent sadness of a lost friendship weighed on him more and more each day.

Would everything he gained in the end be worth everything he had to sacrifice? It didn't matter if it was unselfish at first, this plan they'd made to destroy a monster, it wasn't all that unselfish anymore. Regulus was an object of desire for him now. He wanted to be with him, he wanted to stay at his side, James felt like it made all of this a little morally grey in a way it hadn't been before. It gave Regulus more influence over him than he'd had from the start. Was he just upset with himself because life was finally starting to feel bearable again after months of pain? Did he think he needed to be punished for betraying them?

"James?" Regulus' voice was small. "You seem upset, what's wrong?"

"We can talk about it later." James swallowed his pain and smiled. Fake it 'til you make it. "I'm going to look through Sirius' things first, then I'll check Peter's. Could you grab me a clean uniform for tomorrow from my trunk? You can just put it in here." He offered him his book bag and Regulus took it.

James turned to Sirius' bed and froze. This was it. Crossing the line. He'd been honest with him ever since Halloween. His only sin then had been that horrible night in the astronomy tower, when he'd betrayed him, and felt his best friend's fists. When Sirius had beaten him so badly he needed healing before he could properly speak, or see. He steeled himself and took a step forward to break himself out of his own spiralling thoughts. The map wasn't in his bedside drawer, where James had found it that day he'd snuck down to the pitch to meet Regulus—back when he was still worried about being caught alone with him. James shook off the thoughts, focusing on the task at hand. He sorted through his things carefully, trying to leave it all where he found it. Discarded letters, magazine cutouts of boys with long hair like Sirius dressed all in black, notes on scrap parchment in Remus' familiar, messy scrawl. When James found a pan of eyeshadow and a tube of lipstick he felt like his skin was on him a bit too tightly. This was a betrayal. He was seeing things he shouldn't see.

The map wasn't in his nightstand.

He took a very deep breath and forced himself to look through his trunk. He set clothes aside in the same order they came out so nothing would be out of place. He found strange books, an album of pictures, an overstuffed, dogeared notebook he didn't dare open, a collection of jewelry in an unassuming wooden box, all kinds of little things he'd seen his friend wear but never thought about very much. The map wasn't in there either. He put everything back exactly where he found it. He looked under his bed, under his pillow, even behind the curtain. He was ready to give up. He should just look through Peter's things. Pure instinct stopped him cold.

He stepped back, then approached the bed again. There was a little gap between the bed frame and the wall. When he stuck his hand in he felt the familiar, well worn parchment. James grabbed it.

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." He whispered, then tapped his wand against the blank white parchment and saw the ink start to bloom. He tapped it again. "Mischief managed."