unspeakable | jegulus

forgetting fear

chapter title: i think i understand by joni mitchell

The train ride was the same as it had always been, since he was a child. The only thing that felt different about it was his knowledge of what was waiting for him when he got to Platform 9 3/4, that doomed feeling he'd had since October had taken root a long time ago, and now it was flowering. Blossoming like a weed. The ugliest flower James could imagine. The ugliest feeling he'd ever felt. Regulus was very quiet. His face was bloodless and his hands were ice cold. When the train started to slow he was so pale he looked greenish.

"Mother and father will be there to collect us at the platform," he said. His voice was perfectly flat, not a hint of inflection in any direction— good or bad. This was bad. James knew it would be bad, but it didn't make it any easier to bear. "You should put your engagement ring on a different finger."

James silently moved the ring to his middle finger.

He was worried if he tried to speak he would vomit.

He was terrified. Had he ever felt fear before now? Not like this. What was his life going to be like for the next year? The next decade? He'd done so many things he once imagined were impossible, maybe this would feel like those things did now. Calling Lily a mudblood had once been unthinkable, now, he knew he was capable of it. What was he made of? Strong stuff, or weak stuff? He felt strong, but what did he know?

"You're nervous." Regulus held his hand tightly. "I am too. You're right to be nervous. It doesn't mean what we're doing is bad, or wrong. I bet you've been nervous for all kinds of reasons. Just... try to imagine this is like that. Quidditch game jitters. That's all this is." He stared at the bench seat across from them, spiralling, his heartbeat pounding through him at a thousand kilometres an hour. "Hey, James. Look at me." He didn't move, locked inside of himself. "James?"

How was he supposed to do this? How did anyone expect him to survive it?

Regulus grabbed his face, his cold hand on his chin. Iron grip. His eyes burned.

"Listen to me. You can do this. It's just like any other game you've ever played, James. Once you learn the rules, you'll do better than survive. I know we can win."

"Is your mother the reason you think of everything in life like its a game? Did she teach you that?" Like she taught you to 'love', he thought, and didn't say it.

"Yes, she did. It's a Slytherin way of thinking, but you've proven you can adapt to that sort of thinking already with my friends. You can do this. I'll help you. I'll be there with you the whole time. This is what I was raised to do. I was born with the ability to navigate situations like this. It's what separates me from my brother so completely. I've always been able to say the right thing, and I've always been able to play the perfect son. You can be an extension of that, with me. We can do this together. I'll protect you, okay? Theres no reason to be scared of death. My driving purpose is to keep you alive."

"I know," James whispered, hoarsely. "I'm scared all the same."

"You're scared because you're smart."

The train ground to a halt. The sudden stillness, the silence after the rattle that had kept them company for the entirety of their journey made James feel sicker. Everything was turning into a nightmare. His life had turned into fresh hell every single day.

"It's smart to be scared." James held his hand a little tighter. "I'll protect you."

"I'll protect you," James promised in return. Regulus smiled at him, stiffly.

"I believe you'll try. Come, we shouldn't keep my parents waiting." He fixed James' hair, his shirt. He straightened his tie.

His heart hammered, beating in his throat.