unspeakable | jegulus

weary of lies

chapter title: little green by joni mitchell

December 21st, the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year, slipped away without incident. It was a typical night in the House of Black. James, after only one night there, already knew what a typical day and night looked like. This wasn't an impressive feat on his part. It was simply a testament to their monotonous, clocklike slavishness to routine. Every day they woke up at six-thirty in the morning, washed and dressed for breakfast, and ate around the breakfast table as a family (plus James)— always making stiff conversation about things that mattered to no one but Walburga, relentless gossip and very little else. James had met few women in his life as obsessively consumed with the lives of others, and with the rumours about her own life, her own family. She was vain. Self-obsessed in a way that made the abuse Regulus and Sirius had endured seem strangely inevitable. It was like she was living on another planet entirely, a planet where nothing mattered but her. James smiled politely and bent himself to fit her every whim just like Regulus did, and she relentlessly gossiped, and relentlessly smiled that uninterrupted, eerie smile of hers. Orion tuned her out like she was a boring radio program. He was barely even there most of the time. It was like the lights were on but no one was home. He nodded robotically and smiled politely at the right moments, and contributed nothing, while Walburga talked and talked and talked. James understood why she had a temperamental relationship with Sirius. Imagining him here, listening to this day in and day out, was like imaging an arctic beast, a seal, a fox, living in the Sahara. It was an image that didn't come together right. James could imagine him here inciting a fight, kicking his boots on the table, full of a storm Walburga would never be able to contain.

One son she could control with a glance, another son she never had a hope of controlling. No wonder Regulus and Sirius hated each other. They were alike in so many ways, but completely different. Neither of them were wrong for the way they handled her. Their personalities were just too dissimilar. Sirius was full of wrathful fire that had to be directed somewhere, that had to erupt in an explosion of rage every now and then. It was something that had drawn James to him when they were kids.

Sirius was born angry too, and he wasn't ashamed of it.

He'd always worn his heart on his sleeve. He didn't have any other choice, really. It was just the way he was wired. Having all of that fire inside of him here, in this icy place, that expected iciness from him in return, must have been so stifling. It must have felt so impossible.

James was locked into the routine right alongside Regulus. Breakfast, a few hours to do as they pleased, lunch, afternoon tea, Regulus' piano practice that his mother religiously enforced, a few hours of free time, then a formal dinner that always ran overlong. At least three courses, sometimes more. Walburga was a passionate hostess. She offered all of the luxury and amenity she could at every opportunity presented to her. It was nauseating.

His favourite parts of the day were the parts he could spend alone with Regulus. They were spending so much time alone together here, much more than they were usually afforded at school. At school, Regulus usually had at least one of his friends nearby if James was visiting with him during the day. Slytherins, more than any other house, tended to travel in packs. Probably because they were loathed by every other house at Hogwarts. Even Sirius and James had taken to hexing random Slytherins they'd met alone in the corridors when they were younger. It was just what people did. Now, James regretted it. He'd found bad outlets for his aggression when he was a child. Strangers, and Snape. Mostly Snape, if he was being honest with himself.

Now, James was hurting Lily a hell of a lot more than Snape ever did. The thought wasn't a comforting one.

On December twenty-second, Walburga summoned them both downstairs. Kreacher appeared in Regulus' room where they were tangled together, half-naked. It was terrifying to look up from kissing Regulus, right into that nasty little elf's beady eyes.