unspeakable | jegulus

the geometry of innocent flesh on the bone

chapter title: tombstone blues by bob dylan

The next day, December fourteenth, Remus left the dorm and walked with James to breakfast. He'd made his choice.

"I just don't understand why everyone is staring," Remus mumbled. James' curls were still damp from his post-workout shower, he was a bit cold. Plenty of people didn't seem to notice them, walking past as if nothing was amiss, but unlike the rest of the school, most of Gryffindor stared at Remus like he was something they'd scraped off the bottom of their shoe. Disgusted.

"Yeah, this is just what my life has been like for the past few months. I didn't even notice it, to be honest." Remus shuddered. "What?"

"I'm sorry you had to deal with all of this alone." James waved off his apology with his hand.

"I wasn't alone, I had Regulus."

"Is that better?" Remus sat across from him at the table, piling food on his plate immediately.

"You don't know him like I do, Remus." Maybe that's a good thing, he thought to himself. "It's definitely better than being alone. He makes it easier." Is that even true? James forced himself to eat a muffin, lemon poppyseed.

Someone sat right next to Remus.

James looked up. His heart rose into his throat.

"Hello, Peter."

"Don't say 'Hello' to me, all casual, like you haven't done anything."

"What have I done?" James asked. He arched an eyebrow and pinched off a bite of his muffin, eating like nothing was amiss. Peter's entire face turned bright crimson.

"Talking to you is a waste of time." He was furious. James understood, but it still stung. "What the hell are you doing, Remus?"

"I'm done taking sides," Remus said stiffly. "James is my friend. I'm having breakfast with him. Is there a problem with that?"

"You are taking a side and you know it. Speaking with him at all counts as taking a side. I can't believe you still consider him your friend when he's planning to—"

"I can't believe you don't consider him your friend when the two of you grew up like family," Remus spat back. "We've already discussed this, Peter. You're not going to change my mind."

"Sirius refuses to talk to you about this—"

"Why is that?" James asked with a cloying, sarcastic curiosity. He was making himself sick. "Is it for my benefit?" They still hadn't spoken since their very real argument. Every time they spoke to each other now they just seemed to fight. "Or is it because he knows Remus isn't going to change his mind, and he can't handle hearing Moony tell him no directly to his face? You were sent on a kamikaze mission he didn't want to take himself, Pete. Isn't that a bit cold?"

"That sounds like a lot of guesswork, James." Peter was trying to look tough, but James knew his barbed words hadn't missed their targets. He was getting good at this. Why did that make him feel so bad?

"Does it? Do you really think you know him better than I do?" He laughed. "Remus gave you his answer, why don't you find somewhere else to sit? You're ruining my appetite."

Peter's eyebrows furrowed and his mouth opened in disbelief. It was an ugly grimace.

"I can't figure it out. Did you get replaced with a clone or something? What's wrong with you?" James shrugged.

"I'm just a mirror, Peter. That's all. If you're nice, I'll be nice, if you're not..." He sighed. "I'm tired. I don't have the patience for this. Just fuck off, seriously." Peter turned to Remus. Remus swallowed sharply, and said: