unspeakable | jegulus

spare your heart

chapter title: everything put together falls apart by paul simon

James was laying in bed with his legs up against the wall, tossing a snitch in the air and catching it. It's hummingbird wings were tucked away inside of it. The cold metal was slowly growing warm from his hand. James tossed it up, eyes closed, and was poised to catch it again. When he closed his hand, it was on nothing but the air. He opened his eyes.

Sirius was staring down at him. His dark hair fell forward, half hiding his face. He looked strange, upside down and miserable.

"Can we talk?" His voice was rough.

"What do we have to talk about?" It was December 18th, two days before Winter Break.

"Why the fuck did I have to find out from Peter of all people that you're planning to marry my brother?" James instantly felt sick to his stomach. Sirius scoffed. "Yeah. Nothing to talk about."

Neither of them moved.

"It's part of the plan," James finally said, stiffly. "It was my idea, not his."

"You do realize that's worse, right?" Sirius threw the snitch, it hit him right on his mouth. It hurt. James sat upright and touched his lip. His hand came away red.

"What's your problem?" Sirius ignored him and grabbed his right hand. He touched the ring on his finger, his pale hands were rough and calloused from Beater bats and broom handles. They were so dry and warm it was like touching paper that had been left in the sun. His muted grey eyes were intent on the pale silver snake.

"This was my father's," he said, in a horrible, small voice. "He gave you this?"

"Sirius—"

"Why didn't you tell me?" James stared at him helplessly. He watched his stormy eyes fill with tears. "Why do you keep forgetting about me?"

"I didn't forget about you, Sirius." James grabbed his hand. Sirius furiously wiped away the tears on his cheeks, like he was angry he was crying. He shook his head.

"Yes you did. I understand you're dealing with a lot, James. You're doing something terrible, and dangerous, and you're doing it very soon." Sirius touched the ring on his hand again, an ugly expression on his tear-streaked face. "But he's my brother. You're supposed to be my best friend. I'm allowed to be upset about this. I think it's right to be angry you didn't say anything to me, either of you, when you're planning to fucking marry him." He shoved away his hand. James stared up at him, wide-eyed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't give me that bullshit. Just tell me everything you've been keeping from me, I don't need an apology." James bit his lip and winced from the pain of it. "What, you think he wouldn't like that or something?"

"No, I'm just..." James shook his head. His mouth tasted like blood. "I don't know where to start." Sirius' face twisted.

"You fucking asshole."

"Yeah." James trained his eyes on the floor. "I know."

"You've been lying so much you don't know where to start? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I haven't been lying—"

"No?" Sirius took half a step closer to him. James held his breath.

"I really haven't been. Sure, I hid things, and kept secrets—maybe lied by omission—but I never looked you in the face and really lied." James thought of the map then instantly dismissed the memory. "I swear, Sirius. I'm sorry."

"Tell me what you've hidden from me."

He did. For the most part. "We thought getting married would make our lives easier during the war because your parents wouldn't see him as an extension of them anymore—" Sirius cut him off with cold, ugly laughter.