unspeakable | jegulus

the ways of a devil

chapter title: you're no good by bob dylan

tw: discussion of suicide, emotional abuse, sexual content
an: this chapter is a lot!! james is a lot!! (so is regulus, these freaks deserve each other) if you need to skip this one and you want a chapter summary, leave me a comment and let me know. this fic is tagged with Morally Grey James Potter on ao3, you are about to begin to see why.
he's not a perfect person. i swear i am going somewhere meaningful with this chapter.

(this story is about love but it is mostly about many forms of violence. war related, but also interpersonally. it's not really a romance in the traditional genre way, it was written
to help me process and recover after spending 3 years in an extremely abusive relationship.
not to trauma dump or whatever. i just want you to know, when it comes to toxic relationships, i know wtf i'm talking about.
don't worry, my interpretation of these characters isn't based on him. just how he made me feel.)

"We should go somewhere."

"Where?" Regulus asked, still irritated it seemed.

"Anywhere... we can fly, can't we?"

"You still want to? After, you know..." James nodded. Regulus sighed. "Can I show you something?"

James kissed his knuckles one last time, then held his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Show me, show me, show me—"

"Alright, Alright!" His expression softened. His pale eyes were full of moonlight. Somehow they seemed cold and warm at the same time. He looked like love, with all of its chaos and contradiction. "Come on then."

"Where are you taking me?" James pestered him while he mounted his broom and floated, slow and weightless into the clear winter sky. Regulus was right behind him. "Are we going to the moon? Jupiter? Saturn? Regulus-star in the—"

"Did I not ask you to follow me? You trust me, right?"

"You know how much I trust you." James let Regulus fly ahead of him regardless.

"Eighty-three percent of the time," Regulus muttered under his breath loud enough James could hear it over the wind. He loved to complain about things he had no real right to complain about. "Come on then." James flew after him curiously. The snow covered grounds unfolded beneath them, everything in miniature, like a toy version of the school. Little trees, impressions of footsteps like the tips of pins, everything blurred and impersonal at a distance. They wove through the castle towers and turrets, not quickly. Regulus flew like he wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. He flew like they had all the time in the world.

Two days.

That was all James had left of his unburdened youth. This was supposed to be a distraction from that fact, but all this aimless time in the air, trailing after him, only gave him time and quiet to contemplate it. Peter wanted to be a real Death Eater. Sirius was going to be utterly alone. Remus should stay. He shouldn't come too. James had miscalculated, Regulus had—

A cold feeling spread through his chest, coating his heart in a layer of ice.

Had Regulus done this on purpose?

He'd told him before that his goal was to cause Sirius pain, to leave him completely alone. Who else could he take after he'd stolen James from him? Who would hurt the most?

Remus.

Remus and Sirius had a relationship that was close in a different way than Sirius was close with James. They had a different kind of bond. Not as intense... no, that wasn't quite right. Intense but not like James and Sirius, there was an undercurrent to the intensity with Remus that was just different. He didn't have another word for it. Not one he was willing to acknowledge explicitly, anyway, not even in his own mind. But this would hurt. This would kill him.