unspeakable | jegulus

you know i'd gladly lose myself to you

chapter title: what more can i do by the zombies
(this song is so literally james in this chapter lmfao)

As soon as he was at the bottom of the stairs in the common room he heard footsteps, quick and light, chasing after him. He walked faster. Not fast enough. Before he managed to reach the corridor he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. He shrugged him off.

"Just give me space, alright?" He didn't look at him.

"You won't even let me apologize?" he whispered.

"You've apologized already, Regulus." James kept walking. "I need space." He left the common room and Regulus followed him. Relentless.

"What do I need to do to make it up to you? I'll do anything, James. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." The corridor near the dungeons was empty. He turned and finally looked at down at Regulus. The expression he was wearing was familiar. That well maintained facade of repentance and shame, his wide silver eyes shining like his rings in the dim candlelight, his mouth arranged in a practiced pout. Him and Sirius were exactly the same in this sense. They apologized like they'd rather have their fingernails torn off with pliers than let themselves feel an ounce of guilt for anything they've done.

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Regulus reached for his hand. James pulled away and shook his head. "I told you what I wanted our relationship to be like. I told you I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to feel even a little bit of my anger or any violence and associate it with love, or sex, or anything. I want us to be gentle with each other. I told you that, and I meant it." His shallow contrition made James feel sick to his stomach. Why was he saying anything to him? Why was he still standing here? He opened his mouth to say more then closed it again, sharply. "I'm too angry to be around you right now. Give me space, Regulus." He turned away and started walking again, stewing in his anger.

"I don't want to give you space." James stopped walking but didn't look back.

"Not everything is about what you want."

"Do you hate me now?" He wanted to scream. He wanted to tear his hair out. "Did I ruin everything?"

James shook his head, No, and kept walking. Regulus followed him. Why wouldn't he leave him alone? What was wrong with him? How could it be possible anyone could be so selfish?

"James, please just talk to me."

"I'm trying to be nice to you, but you're making that very difficult." James took the stairs two at a time, Regulus kept following him. "Will you please just leave me alone?" He looked back at him, and stopped in his tracks. Was Regulus... crying?

"I'm sorry." His pale eyes were full of tears. They shone like they were full of stars. The tip of his nose turned pink when he cried. His mouth looked redder too, probably because he kept biting his bottom lip. James noticed all of this at once. It must be lunchtime. The empty corridors were filling now. Students streamed past them into the great hall. What was he supposed to do? Regulus stepped toward him. James resisted the impulse to step away again like they were two magnets with the same charge. Regulus touched his hand. James forced himself to be very still. His skin felt like it was full of spiders. "Please don't leave me alone." His resolve cracked in an instant. Two tears fell and carved one glowing path down his cheek. James held his face in his hand, and gently wiped the mark away with his thumb. He was furious. It had to be all over his face. "How can I fix it?"

James looked him in the eyes. More tears fell. Was any of this real? How was he supposed to know with him?

"Give me space."

His face twisted. He bit his lip. James wiped the tears off of his face and let go of him, walking toward the castle entrance.

"You don't love me." Regulus' voice was loud, and thick with tears. James felt like a bucket of ice had been dumped over his head. His hands curled into fists at his sides. "You don't want to talk about it, you don't care that you're hurting me—"