unspeakable | jegulus

do you promise not to tell?

chapter title: do you want to know a secret by the beatles

trigger warning: a brief reference to past self-harm

"Christ, Potter." As soon as he set eyes on him Regulus turned as white as a ghost.

"Lily broke up with me." James started crying again. How fucked up was his life? He was telling Regulus Black about his breakup before anyone else. It was enough to bring a man to tears, no additional heartbreak required. "It was so hard to make her break up with me. She's so beautiful, and empathetic, and patient." His tears interrupted him. His breath, like the rest of him, was torn and awful with pain. "I told her I was tired of her, I said she wasted my time. I hurt her bad, Regulus. Really bad. She said I was being mean, like she'd say it when we were kids, I told her I was being honest. I was lying! I lied. She tried to stop me over and over again. 'We should talk later,'" he mimicked, tearfully, "'Is this a cry for help?' Regulus. She slapped me in the face." He was crying so hard he couldn't talk anymore, hysterical. He couldn't get a full breath of air. It was all too shallow. Too fast. "I'm a monster."

Regulus laid a tentative hand on his shoulder. His wooden attempt at reassurance betrayed his cool, controlled disposition. He seemed strangely scared—nervous, maybe.

"You did the right thing, James."

"It doesn't feel like it." Did Regulus always have shadows around his eyes, or were they a new addition to his face like James'? They were deep, violent looking shadows, made more severe against his paper-white skin. He was so pale he almost looked sickly. His perpetual frown was unmoved by his stilted attempt to comfort him.

When he was sad Lily always wordlessly pulled him into her arms and held him against her with his head on her chest like he was a child again, listening to her heart and matching her breaths with his own. He missed the smell of her skin, and the curve of her lips, and the perfect green of her eyes. He missed the way she said his name, like it was her favourite sound. She was all that he knew how to love in this world. She was all he'd ever known how to love.

She was gone.

His vision blurred.

"I can't believe you did it so quickly." There was something unreadable in his voice. His cold hand on his shoulder was very still, like he wasn't quite sure how to comfort another person. He was as stiff as a statue. "I'm very impressed."

James started crying again in earnest, choking on his own tears, and Regulus rubbed awkward circles on his back.

"Do you want a... hug?" He sounded like he was offering to chop off his own arms.

"She's gone," James cried and threw his arms around Regulus. It was like hugging an ice sculpture. It didn't feel like hugging Sirius. Regulus was much bonier. He could feel his bones through all the layers of his school clothes—hips, shoulder blades, ribs, elbows. He seemed uncomfortable. That wouldn't do, not where they were going. James had no illusions about what their strained acquaintance was going to become over the next few months. He was only going to have one person in that place, behind enemy lines. Regulus. They would have to get used to comforting each other. "I broke her heart."

"You're keeping her safe, and you're keeping us safe." Regulus' voice was warmer than usual. At least he was trying, as strained as his attempts at comfort were. How could he go somewhere without her? His Lily, not his anymore. The thought nauseated him. Was she going to date someone else? "You shouldn't be crying. You didn't mean any of it. One day, when all of this is over and he's dead, she'll forgive you for it. It might feel like the worst thing that's ever happened now, but it won't feel that way forever. I know it won't." James looked at him in silence, his eyes wet and his cheeks streaked with tears. His nose was stuffy. He sniffled once, twice. "I know you're in pain, but I'm proud of you. That took immense strength and selflessness, James."