Today was okay physically for me but mentally not so much it started out fine and then it went south when my mom asked me to come play a game with her and my aunt and uncle and their friends that I know and the whole time I felt depressed I zoned out the whole time and couldn't really focus I just wanted to be inside the RV watching movies or tv shows or playing roblox or listening to music. They don't know how much I've been struggling with mental health I try to put on a I'm fine face when I'm not at times like today.
And as I was watching/baby sitting my aunt and uncles friends granddaughter she started chewing on my finger since she's teething and she smiled at me and I felt happy and it made me miss being a kid and having that pure happiness all the time and having nothing to worry about or a care in the world just having fun and being a kid I miss that.... I really do....
I wish I could go back to it and relive my childhood but I can't sadly..... anyways I'll still be updating my books since I have nothing else to do until I start college next year on august 26th 2024.
My anxiety has been high lately and it's been hard for me to deal with certain things at times but it does get easier
On wendesday my mom works and my dad works then golfs and my mom won't be home until at least close to 6pm that day and I don't want to be alone in the camper even though my aunt and uncle are right across from me and can easily check up on me if needed or be with me if I start to feel anxious or panicked about something.... I don't want them to see me like that at all I really don't I'm not comfortable with showing them that side of me at all only my parents.... I'm afraid I might scare them or worse....
I know I shouldn't be thinking that but I do at times and I always wonder how are they gonna react when they see me their niece having a mental breakdown, anxiety attack, panic attack, or anger issues..... I don't know they might be scared of me and walk away when I might need them or I don't know.....
It's really late at night it's almost 9pm and I'm really really tired I didn't sleep well last night because there's this dog that is barking like crazy day and night and won't stop and it's getting really annoying and it's affecting my sleep and my parents sleep also me and my mom were freaking zombies this morning due to lack of sleep.... I hope that tonight is better and not as noisy....
And when I was babysitting my aunt and uncles friends granddaughter I heard like a thud sound coming from their RV and it was their fridge it was broken and the husband started swearing and they have a rescue pitbull named River who was abused by women so she hates women and likes men and I'm kinda scared of her since she has barked at me and ran after my mom once but nobody got hurt since the husband has pretty good control over her and she will listen to him and she knows when he's mad at her. She's a beautiful pitbull but I don't want her attacking me or anything so I left their campsite and went back to mine and listened to music and I had Spotify preimum since April then that went away today so I'm pretty upset about that and I'm gonna buy another gift card when I get home with my 75 dollar target gift card my grandma bought me for when I graduated high school.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense I just needed to vent a little bit
