So today was better than yesterday even though I'm still struggling with my anxiety and during dinner my dad was really upset because of work issues and he kept swearing under his breath and calling people idiots, dumbasses, etc and that always makes me anxious because I would never do that and I feel like he should just freaking retire because of the amount of stress he has and he can't even stay home with me during the day when I need someone at home with me especially when I'm struggling with my mental health and when it comes to my mental health he doesn't understand and always has to one up me with something like "oh you try doing this for a living or "you should see the people I deal with everyday" and I just nod and spend most of my time cooped up in my room because he's downstairs in the basement working and talking to people and every few hours I hear him swear and I try to block it out using music and it helps sometimes but not all the time. Once it hits late fall and early winter I'm probably gonna get a pair of noise canceling headphones to help drown out any noises that may bug me.
One time i was having a panic attack and he said "quit acting like a five year old" and that immediately made me cry more and I called my mom and told her what happened and she was FURIOUS with my dad and yelled at him on the phone. But that also made me anxious I wanted to grab the phone from my dad and yell at my mom "STOP YELLING!" But I didn't I kept it in and kept it to myself and one time during dinner my parents just started fighting out of no where and it was definitely because of me I probably said something that made them both angry and Made them fight.
There are times where I feel like shit especially when I'm around my dad when he's stressed out about work.
I never tell my dad about my mental health issues only my mom since she understands better than my dad does.
And my mom told me once when she was my age she had a girlfriend and my grandma was mad at my mom and yelled at her and my grandpa was fine with it because of that I'm scared to tell my Grandma that I'm bisexual because I'm afraid she will yell at me like she did with my mom so I keep that mostly to myself.
I know my mom won't care because she's friends with someone who kid is transgender and gay and that's why I want to tell her more than my grandma.
Sorry if this all didn't line up I just needed to vent about stuff I've been keeping in for a long time now.
