Don't Listen In Secret || Joshua Hong

first step

kim mingyu

are you okay?
please answer
jihye?

(read 2 days ago)

......

jihye : why are you so upset hmm?

my white peonies looked so worn and frail. i should've cared for them better. even if they aren't my favorite flowers anymore. even if i haven't cared for myself in 2 days. but i can live without care. flowers are different. they can die without love.

okay.
maybe they aren't that different from me.

jihye : i love you even if you make me sad

i smiled at the flowers for one last time before i leave them behind. i went straight to our balcony and took out a can of my secret juice as i leaned over exhausted, the sky was a dusty orange and in the dim light of dying day, the world looked so beautiful yet so empty. or maybe it's just a feeling.

i wish i could forget everything.

i wish i could reverse time and go back to the time when i rarely saw joshua. when nothing new happened and the static feelings suffocated me. suffocating was better than drowning.

it was in this same place that mingyu found me that day and for the first time in years, someone other than me knew about my feelings. i still don't know why i trusted him so much. crying over joshua wasn't something new for me. but for the first time ever i felt as if the pain was bearable. i am not sure what he did, but he made me feel better.

maybe that's why i was expecting some comfort from him.

i sighed deeply and took another sip of the bitter drink.

jihye : why are you so stupid jihye?

perhaps he thought i was overreacting from the beginning. but what if he is right?

i want to let go of these negative feelings but i can't seem to gather any energy to do so. they keep piling on top of each other like dust. moment by moment. heartbreak by heartbreak.

i turned my phone on to look at his texts for the hundredth time. mingyu called me many times after i left him but i felt so hurt, so betrayed that i didn't answer even once. i still feel hurt. because of everything he said. and because every word was so painfully true. but it's easier to blame him. it's always easier to let myself fall down.

jihye : you are pathetic

i scoffed at myself. maybe i deserve this loneliness.

...

jihye : i had so much fun today. thankyou girls!

haewon : let's meet again before everyone leaves for university

juhee: and you still didn't gift me kim mingyu's autograph

jihye: where will i get his signature from?

juhee: ask your brother!

haewon: alright, stop you two. we will meet in juhee's shop okay?

juhee : that's a good idea. i am going to miss you two so much.

jihye : me too

i pouted sadly and juhee laughed before pulling my cheek.

juhee : you are so adorable.

haewon : look at jihye glare like she is going to eat you alive

jihye : i am not adorable

they laughed fondly, still calling me cute.