Degrees of Desire (gxg, txs)

chapter thirty seven

-Diana

I don't know what it was that I was expecting but it definitely wasn't for her to just walk away. Isabella questioned me about why it was that I was ending things but she didn't really fight back.

She hadn't showed to school for a whole week and I immediately started to worry about her. I had to stop myself so many times from reaching for my phone and calling her just to hear her.

I didn't have the right to do so anymore.

I have been collecting all of her missing assignments from her class and giving it to Iris. I told her that if she ever sees Isabella to give her the work so she doesn't fall too far behind and Iris always nods.

There has been many times where I've wanted to ask Iris if she's doing alright but that would be way out of line. I just can't help but wonder if she's okay.

I have been laying in my bed every night thinking about everything. The spot next to me is empty and I have never felt more alone in my life.

I've been fine on my own before this. I actually would prefer being alone. But ever since Isabella came into my life, I have feared the day I would be without her.

Here we are now living through my biggest fear, yet it's all my fault.

I can't help but go back in time and imagine how everything would be like if I had never let her stay at my house when she was drunk, or if I had never told her that I had feelings for her.

I question whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I could care less about my job but it's more so her future I am worried about. I couldn't bear being selfish enough to throw that all away just because of my feelings for her.

I understand that she also has feelings for me and that she is probably as heartbroken about this as I am. The thing is, I don't think she would ever forgive me if we got exposed and her future would be ruined.

I don't think I'd forgive myself for letting it happen.

So here I am, despite it all, sitting at my desk waiting for the first bell to ring.

Soon, the students in here now will be leaving and the second period class will be piling into the room.

A part of me is hoping to see Isabella and soon enough my wish did come true, except it wasn't the Isabella I am used to seeing.

I watched as she was the last student to walk into the class. Her usual glowing eyes were dull and puffy. Her usual radiant smile was replaced with a blank expression.

She seemed thinner.

Her eyes stayed glued to the floor as Iris carried her bag and helped her find her seat. I stand up from my desk and look around towards the class to get the lesson started.

I haven't had much planned considering my mind has been elsewhere but it doesn't stop me from still trying to teach my students.

All last week I received questions about whether or not I was okay and that I seemed out of it. I just would respond with a simple "I'm stressed" and I'd be left alone.

Kate would call me almost everyday trying to cheer me up. At first it would help, but then the weight of everything came crashing down and it seemed nothing could help.

"Good morning students, I hope everyone is caught up with the book as we are now going to be taking our exam for it. There are 50 multiple choice questions and a short essay at the end to test your understanding about the book. You have the whole class period. Let me know if you have any questions." I walk around the classroom handing out packets to each of my students.