Shameless, Only For Him

Thirty two

Vote and comment🦋

Sunday
12.46 pm

Dhana Lakshmi

My parents didn't reprimand me.

They trust me with Puvi. If it was a random guy who I had been with, they would have never let this matter slide so easily. But because this was Puvi, someone who my parents had practically raised, they weren't indignant about him as well.

Perhaps a little disheartened...

I wanted to tell them that we're not in a relationship anymore and we did break up. Given that we're not even on talking terms now, I didn't want my parents to have the hope of Puvi marrying me in the future.

Cause he wouldn't.

He doesn't love me.

I tried to inform them the same, but they outran me and asked me to only focus on my studies. It wasn't a request; it was an order said in an advisory tone. I didn't object to their words because I was planning to do the same forthwith.

That night, I'd slept like a log due to exhaustion, and the next morning, Amma was the one who woke me up with a bed coffee. On the other hand, Appa appeared stern and didn't talk to me.

It was painful to bear his silence.

More agonizing than having to bear what Puvi had done to me. I attempted to converse with him but he didn't even glance my way. I couldn't manage to even weep; my glands were tired of producing salty tears. It was a numbness that engulfed my heart as I faced the consequences of my foolish actions.

Amma consoled me, said Father can't remain resentful of me for more than a day. And with the hope she offered me, I strengthened myself and walked out to attend college.

There he stood, my Puvi.

I wanted to throw my hands around him and embrace him but I held onto my resilience and ignored him. He's not for me, no matter how much ever I'm in love with him, I don't want him anymore...

Do I wish to live a happy life with him?

Yes, a definite yes.

But without love, how could I lead a tranquil life with him? He proved that he was deeply in love with my sister when he ventured to take revenge on me. I had been plain stupid to have thought otherwise. In my book, love doesn't have a definition similar to what Puvi and my sister had between them.

I believe love is different in each one's perspective and I was just too ignorant and dumb to have not known it sooner.

The way he called me Dhana, I thawed, I was afraid of my instincts that urged me to hug him. Hence, I'd act as though I despised him. It was hard uttering those phrases to him but I didn't have any choice.

I'm pretty sure that he would be happy without me. He always wanted to get rid of me and I did it on my own now...

I hope he's fine.

It's been four whole days since I met him. It was difficult, unbearable, not to get a glimpse of him...

Yet I kept myself in check and tried to concentrate on my studies.

In my class, it was a whole distinct tale. I sat alone, had my lunch alone, went to the restroom alone, and exited the college alone. I'd been striving my best to study on my own these days but just when I think I'm getting a hang of the problem, I would be left with several questions in the end...

I wanted to reach out to someone for assistance but I was embarrassed to approach them. I tried browsing the internet for online coaching and I found it to be not-so-good. Or perhaps I wasn't in my right mind to collect anything.

It was tortuous.

The past four days have been hell and I desperately needed someone to lean on.

Thus, I went to the only place where a person was kind enough to listen to all my worries without becoming irritated. Though it is his job, I doubt how someone could be so patient.

It again reminded me of Puvi.

"...we can't help it. You ought to feel ashamed while asking someone for help. But you've got to overcome it...talk to the person with an understanding and gentle nature, and apologize for what you've done. If not, you cannot mend any of the broken friendships," I pout at his words.

"It's easy to say Doctor, but it's very hard to bring myself to do that. The girls would mock me and the guys after they've seen those degrading words I used to describe them; I don't think they would ever be willing to forgive me," I say in an anxious and gloomy tone.

"Hm, in that case, are you okay with passing the two years alone?" I shake my head at him vigorously. I couldn't even withstand these three days in my class of being with my friend 'loneliness' and having to spend the remaining two years of college with it is impossible...

"Let's take it slowly. Try approaching one classmate of yours on the coming Monday and apologize to them," I frown at him, nervously.

"If they don't accept your apology, then say it's okay and you're genuinely guilty of whatever you did...well, Lakshmi, you are, right?" He comedically asks and raises one of his brows.

"Yes doctor, yes! I'm!" I nod at him, causing a smile to bloom on his lips.

"Good," then he scrutinizes his watch and looks at me. "You may come back in the evening If you want to meet me. I have a date with my girlfriend now. I ought to be on time," A teasing smile appears on my lips as a small blush takes over his face.

"Aw...doctor, I'm so jealous of you," he, while removing his coat lends me a tiny smile. "It took me twenty-six years to fall in love. You have a long way ahead, Lakshmi. Let some time pass, who's meant for you will reach you on his own," I bob my head at him as I seize his advice.

Deep inside, I know I wouldn't give a chance to anyone even If he's meant for me.

I wish to lead a single life till death decides to pick me in its arms.

This heart of mine, this body of mine, this diminished soul of mine, everything belongs to one person. Despite being crushed by him, it doesn't halt loving him.

I want to see him being happy, to find his girl who would give him the comfort and love he craves. It would have been my sister If I hadn't divided them.

...sister, she's indignant with me; she doesn't attend my calls, neither does she contact me back. I wonder If she'll ever forgive me, but I'll apologize to her, irrespective of her response to it.

I'm not sure If they'll get back together either. I'd made a huge crack in their relationship...

Everything has become a mess.

I've made it as one.

And who am I kidding? If Puvi is ever to find a girl and marry her, that would be the last day I live in this world.

Henceforth, my existence would be a struggle for survival.

To cower under the mask of normalcy would be my new normal.

_____________________________