Shameless, Only For Him

Thirty three

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Monday

7.15 pm

Puvi

I've come to a solid decision.

I'm going to chase her; melt her and seek her forgiveness. I've had enough of this suffering. The tears that slid off my cheeks at her separation stunned me; made me realize how foolish I'd been. It caused me to retrospect on our togetherness throughout these years.

She was there for me, regardless of how I bashed her or was mean to her, she was still there for me like the air...

Perhaps, that's the reason why I couldn't understand her value. But her absence was heart-wrenching and If I'd let myself be more closed up, I would have gone insane. I just couldn't stand it any more. Hence I'd decided to get her.

I really need her. 

But I couldn't help feeling remorseful and terrified at the thought of her unwillingness to be with me. The way she spoke to me the other day still whips at my heart whenever I replay it.

...she might not even want to see me as she claimed back then. Even so, I'm not going to back down. I can't.

I love her.

Upon that realization, I'd been double-thinking the relationship I'd with Mugil...

Mugil's absence never dulled me, never struck me with such pain. She as well never conveyed about missing me...because we both didn't. We were okay with our rare meet-ups. There were no expectations, except building a life together once she settled into her career aspect. And in the moments we would meet, we would have a few conversations and then there would be silence...

That's how it was.

These strong sensations weren't there. This suffocation in her absence, I don't recollect experiencing it.

It has always been Dhana, and it makes me feel guilty. What would Mugil think of me If I suddenly started a relationship with her sister? Wouldn't it frame me as a disloyal man...who never loved her? Wouldn't she be hurt? How could I ever face her again?

It's messed up, I know.

Yet...If I don't get Dhana by my side, I will have to be admitted to an asylum within another few days. She's not a want, but a need, someone necessary for me to stay sane.

I didn't know love felt like this...

...one that is capable of turning a person miserable, irrespective of how firm he is.

It has brought me to my knees, and at present, I'm standing outside the closed door of Dhana's apartment and sighed a determined breath before pushing the door open.

First things first, I directly went to the kitchen where Thamara aunt was cooking along with her husband. I instinctively stop when I feel their adoration for each other seeping out from their eyes as they clean the dishes together.

I could sense their love. I'd always been appreciative of their bond. If only my parents were in love as this couple...nothing would have gone wrong in my life. I would have gotten the chance to relish the warmth of a mother's love and would have been able to receive my father's affection...

He's still there, he exists, but he's dead in my eyes. He now has his daughter and two sons to love and care for.

...it was hard initially to cope with it but there was this family to provide me love. Especially, there was this one person who wouldn't leave my side and would cling to me, taking my mind off everything but her.