The Bikers Sin. The Sinful Riders Book One

More Revelations

Griff was at his appointment with Amanda, his first one after rushing off to save Gin.

"So," she began. "What happened last week?"

He debated for a moment whether he should tell her or not. He settled on a half truth. "Someone was in her apartment."

"Is she alright?"

He nodded. She wasn't, but it wasn't any of her business to know what Gin was going through. At least not unless Gin herself thought that she needed to talk to someone. He would suggest it to her when, or should he say if, she wanted to speak to him later.

"That's good." She paused to make a note about something. "Now shall we pick up where we left off? You were saying last time that you didn't even speak with Gin till the fifth date. Why was that?"

He sighed. He hadn't realized that he had made it sound like that. "I did talk to her, but at that time I saw her as a means to an end. So the conversation was limited, at least on my end, and I dismissed the sad looks I would see in her eyes whenever I caught a glimpse of them."

"That end being Mags I presume?"

"Basically, yeah. But when I did start to fully engage with Gin, to see her, I fell fast and hard."

"You said that you had been afraid, and that was why you kept sleeping with Mags. Was there any other reason that you could think of?"

"I didn't sleep with Mags, I fucked her. That's all I did. I turned up, fucked her, then left feeling like shit. Maybe that was the point though, to make myself have more of a reason to be unworthy of Gin."

She was quiet for a moment as she looked over her notes. "You also mentioned some time ago something about your parents leaving you for periods of time with other people, and then leaving you altogether with your grandfather. How did that make you feel?"

He was sure that they had gone over this before. "How do you think it made me feel? Like I was a nuisance, unwanted. Someone easy to leave. I waited for them to come back to get me and when they did they looked annoyed at having to put an end to their fun."

Looking back at it all now he realized things that he never would have done when he was younger. "The people they left me with would always complain. I mean, sure, at first they were only too happy to have me. But soon it was just too much. I'd hear them complaining about having to look after me for free when my parents were out living it up. They tried to care, to hide how they felt. I know that now, but I wasn't theirs. They didn't sign up to raise me, just to look after me for a bit." He paused as the memories of all the times he had overheard the people he had come to truly care about, say he was a pain, that they really didn't want him there any more. "I'd started trying my hardest at school, hoping it would change all of their minds about me. Whenever I did something I was proud of, I'd rush home to show either my parents or whoever they had left me with at that time, and they would shower me with praise. I felt noticed, wanted even. Unlike the rest of the time when I would just feel like I was in the way. So I tried to do more that would make people proud, and even that didn't last long. Soon I heard them all complaining that I was being a pain, they were glad that I was doing so well, but they wished I'd ease up on it all."

He had felt so pathetic, so small. But still he kept trying to please.

"So you craved attention?"

He frowned, that didn't sound right. "I don't think so. I mean I would have gotten attention being bad as well. But when that happened I always ended up feeling worse then I did when they didn't notice me."

"What do you think it was making you act that way?"

He thought, and thought hard. What was it that drove him to seek praise? He wanted love, like all kids did, but he wasn't sure that was the reason. He liked it when they praised him, when they saw him, he realized. "They saw me. The rest of the time they were indifferent, but in those moments when I showed them my grades or told them I came first in a race, or was praised at school for good work, it felt like I was part of something. Something good, happy. Something I always wanted but no matter how hard I tried, could never get it."

"Do you think that was why you kept going back to Mags? Because she saw you as someone desirable?"

He frowned again. Could that be the reason? "I don't think so. I wanted to stop fucking her. I tried so many times to stop."

"Did you though?"

His head snapped up and he glared at her. "What?"

"Did you really try to stop? There were many ways that you could have stopped. Most of which didn't involve actually seeing her face to face."

He froze. "I did want to stop." He said weakly. And he had, he had only wanted Gin, but somehow ended up balls deep in Mags. He just couldn't figure out why he did.

"I'm sure you did, but the fact is you didn't stop it. You made it worse. Granted you went there with the intention of ending it with her, but also with the knowledge that she would somehow get you to give in. You yourself said that you gave her a warning that you were on your way to talk with her. And any woman, hell any person at all, knows what that means. Ask yourself this. When she opened the door, and you saw she was practically naked, what was your first thoughts? What did you think when you saw her?"

He was silent as he thought back to all the times he had tried to end it. "The first time I thought of it as nothing but a farewell fuck. But then she messaged me the next day saying she couldn't wait to see me again."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Pissed. I told her it was over when I left the night before."

She nodded, "What happened then?"

He frowned, he had been so pissed off at her he planned to rip into her face to face. But then when he got there and she was naked, he was too shocked to react, she had dragged him to her bedroom, and he was balls deep in her before he came to his senses. That was the first time he felt as if she had manipulated him.

"What did you think, Griff?"

"My first thought was 'Please not again', but I still gave in."

"And why do you think that was?"

He really tried to figure out why. "I don't know. All the times I went there with the intention of ending it, then I'd see her and silently plead that she wasn't gonna ask me." He paused.

"Go on." Amanda leaned forward, her expression eager. "What didn't you want her to ask?"

He frowned again, pulling at his hair. "For one last fuck." Saying it out loud like that, even he thought it sounded pathetic. "She would have this look in her eyes, almost like she was vulnerable and truly needed me in that moment. I thought she was accepting that it was the end, but then she did it the next night and so on."

Amanda nodded and sat back. "So why keep going back?"

"I don't know, I just don't know."

She was silent for a moment, before saying, "Do you think maybe, you felt the need to please her? To feel noticed, just like when you were younger?"

That couldn't have been the reason, could it? He had never felt more noticed then when he was with his Ginny.

That couldn't be the reason.

Right?

"Have you ever considered," she continued. "That you have an irrational need to please? That maybe you think you need to put effort into what you do, sometimes too much effort?"

"I don't understand."

"Think about it. When you were younger you did everything to be noticed, to please everyone. Even when you knew they had started to not care. You said you didn't want Mags to ask for 'one last fuck' and gave in when she did. Do you think, maybe, that you have conditioned yourself to give people what they want?"

"No, I don't give a fuck most of the time."

"Okay, what about just women then. Do you think maybe you gave in every time because you couldn't just say no outright to a woman begging you for something?"

"I say no to desperate whores all the damn time!"

"But have you ever said no to someone who you wanted at one point?" She looked at the clock on the wall. "Sorry that's nearly all the time we have. Why don't you have a think and I'll see you at our next appointment. I think we are really getting somewhere with all this Griff."

He stood and left the room. He was desperate to get back and get those two shits to talk. It had been a week and nothing.

But first he had another appointment to make.