HAVING 13

15. Jeff Buckley

MISSY
February 6th 2005

Saturday, I went to a rugby game and I officially befriended Johnny Kavanagh in a special way. I was fine with that for now.

Sunday, I had a shift at the diner and also at Biddies in the evening. I hoped to see him there.

On the bus from Alvin's diner to Biddy's bar, I decided to switch my iPod to Jeff Buckley's album Grace.

I sat there in a dusty bus seat, feeling sorry for myself, when a very pregnant girl around my age stepped on. No empty seats, I observed.

I immediately got up even when she assured me I didn't have to.

That could have been me.

I reminded myself my life could be so much worse. I had to be grateful.

Minutes later, I got off the bus and sighed. I knew better now than to take a breather out front, so I took five in the staff room instead, also putting on the apron we were expected to wear.

I fixed my hair in front of the dirty mirror, sighing at my blonde roots showing.

Box dye every few weeks was exhausting and expensive.

I wish I could like myself with blonde hair.

I wish I could like myself.

I tore my eyes away from my reflection in the mirror and sat on a wobbly plastic chair, supporting my own wobbly legs.

I was still hanging on by a thread. Just a breeze would make it snap.

I buried my head in my arms, leaning on the table and basking in the sound of Jeff Buckley singing Lover, You Should've Come Over through the tiny speakers in my earphones.

It's never over
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder

I had a tattoo inspired by that line.

Back when Taylor and I still hung out, we got each other's lipstick marks tattooed on our shoulders in honour of Jeff Buckley.

She was my best friend, and that was the worst part. I only met her because she was one of Tag's friends.

I felt more when I hung out with her than with Tag or any of the other friends we had, because she helped me get out of my head.

Whenever I was in a trance from Taggart hitting me, she'd get me out and make me get ice cream with her. She even taught me how to swim in her pool.

At school, I didn't exist. I was a ghost, floating outside of the body I lived life in. At home, I locked myself up in my room.

Tag Brady told me I could always stay at his house. That I was always welcome. I preferred being there over being home, so I did. And every time, he tricked me.

I always came back. I thought it was love, but it was fear.

When I was there, I was there for weeks, and he had people over every day. Taylor was there often. She became the only person I talked to.

After I left Tag, I never heard from her again.

"I'm clocking out, Melissa," My co-worker screeched. "Turn that damn music off and do your job."

I sighed, exaggerating slightly.

I placed my iPod and earphones in the tiny locker we were offered and took a deep breath before walking out of the staff room, taking my place right behind the bar.

"Whiskey, neat," Someone demanded.

I didn't pay attention to the customers. I just kept my head down and prepared what they asked me to, handing them their drink of choice and change wordlessly.