HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

28. Doomsday / Crack baby

MAJOR CONTENT WARNING

MELISSA
March 31st 2005

It was the first time in my life where it had been good enough for me to feel afraid of dying. Which meant it was also the first time in my life I actually considered running and leaving all of my siblings behind.

Cruel, I know. But if you were in my situation, wouldn't you also want to come out of your childhood alive? I didn't want to die young.

Shannon and I stood in front of our door. We didn't say anything but we both felt it. We knew that there was something lethal awaiting us inside. Her eyes full of fear reminded me that my sister and brothers needed me.

I had just experienced every emotion in the shortest time.

Being scared. Horrid fear that my boyfriend, the best thing in my life, would be gone.

Tremendous relief that he had made it out alive. Still, he'd lost it, because he told Gibsie about my Da. A bit of anxiety filled me then, but I remembered it was just Gibs.

Love, when Johnny woke up and reassured me about it all. He was the first person I ever looked at with such adoration and gratitude.

Now, frustration. I knew there was a very high chance I wouldn't leave this house again unless it was in a body bag. I wouldn't see Johnny again; worse yet, he wouldn't ever get to meet what I could have been when I broke free.

Doomsday was closing in. I didn't have a choice in the matter, though.

I hugged Shannon.

For the first time since we left the hospital, I initiated a conversation instead of just answering her questions.

She'd asked me a million things.

"What's gonna happen to us, Missy?" "We're gonna be okay."

"Do you think Joey's alright?" "He's probably with Aoife."

"I'm terrified. Are you scared?" "Shan, we're grand."

Back and forth, until I just closed my eyes and turned my back to her.

Now, it was time to face it.

"Whatever happens in there," I started. "I need you to know I love you."

She smiled sadly, tears in her eyes as her entire body shook with anxiety.

"I love you, too," She whispered.

"If I don't make it, there's an envelope with money for you and Joe, and details for court under my mattress. Don't ever open it if I'm still alive, Shan," I instructed.

She started sobbing.

"Hey, now, don't cry. It isn't over. We're going to be just fine." I brought my arms around her and guided my fingers through her hair.

She breathed deeply and cleared her throat. "Alright."

I faked a smile to calm her down. I begun my possible last words to my sister. "If you could take all the words in the language, it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. I love you more than everything."

"Everything?" Shannon asked.

"Everything," I confirmed.

With that, she turned towards the door and I saw it as my cue to turn the handle. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

I don't know what I excepted other than a fist to the face, I don't know why I hoped it would be different just for today.

I flew to the floor due to the force of his punch. I fell on my hands and knees. Ignoring the chaos that was my Father, I scanned the room.