HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

35. Stuck, trapped, imprisonated

JOHNNY
April 20th, 2005

Today, my Mam was letting me leave the house for the first time in a week and a half, to someplace else than the doctor's.

She drove me over to Missy's house and had a run-in with Marie Lynch. Melissa's mother demanded that she didn't get in the car, but Mel got in either way, threatening to tell the Gards the entire truth.

I didn't know what she meant by that, but I didn't ask since I assumed she was hanging out with me to escape all the bad shite for a second.

Now that we actually had time to hang out without dealing with all the bad shite, I realised that I never ended up asking her if she was the blonde girl from the party.

Maybe that's why her voice sounded like a song I'd heard before, and her lips felt so familiar on mine.

So, once Mam dropped us both off at the chipper, we got out of the car on our crutches. We got a weird look, and Missy joked about starting a crutches club.

Once we got inside and ordered, I finally brought it up. Why let it float in the back of my head? Why keep wondering? If it wasn't her, it would sting for a while, but I loved this girl. This wouldn't change anything.

"Hey, Mel?" I started.

"Yeah?" She smiled.

"This is gonna sound weird, but..." I took a breath in. I was now realising that if it wasn't her, this would land me in the doghouse for sure. "Did you go to a party back in January of 2004?"

"Yeah," She raised one eyebrow. "Did you finally realise?"

What was she talking about?

"I'm not sure," I told her.

"It's when we first met," She said.

My mouth fell slightly open. "Seriously?"

She nodded. "We talked for hours and made out in a corner."

"Shite." I shook my head. "I knew it. I knew you were familiar."

Melissa laughed. "It's about time you remembered."

"How come you never brought it up?" I shrugged.

"Because I don't like to talk about who I used to be. And because I've also done stupid things while I was drunk and I don't like to be reminded of them," She explained.

I nodded. "It's funny, though. I've always felt like I've known you longer. I found you so familiar..."

She looked at her hands, fidgeting with each other. "You're the reason I left Taggart. You made me realise that I was alive, and I had free will and opinions that mattered."

"You matter," I intercepted. "Everything you say or do matters, Mel, 'cause your mind is magical. You are. Don't let someone ever bring you down again."

"You've showed me that," She laughed slightly, as if she'd been overwhelmed. "I'm trying to believe it."

I smiled and put my hand out for her to hold. She did, and then she started talking, just giving me the most loving look I'd ever received.

"I love you, Jonathan Robert Kavanagh Jr. The most anyone could love another person in the world."

My heart was trying to break out of my chest. I felt things I'd only dreamt of feeling. I swore, this girl was going to be my forever. Wherever we ended up.

"I love you the most, Melissa Lynch. Even more than you love me," I retorted.

She simply shook her head because our 'I love you more' wars could go on for ages.

Our orders arrived then, and she dug in immediately. I followed straight after. When we ate, it was the only time we weren't talking.

"Hey, y'know how I never liked my last name?" She brought up, a bit hesitant.

I nodded, encouraging her to go on.

"I saw it as another thing about me that tied me to my Mam and Teddy, or that stupid nickname 'Lynch Vicious'. My first name ties me to my Dad, too."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Theodora," She said quietly.

"Oh, right," I remembered. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," She assured me. "But now I realise that my older brother better represents what I stand for. Who I was raised by, y'know? So the 'Lynch' in my name is for Joey Lynch, not for either of my parents."

I smiled. "That's a beautiful way to put it, baby."

"Thanks," She said and then dug back into her food.

"I didn't tell anyone about my injury because I thought it made me weak."

She looked up, still chewing on her chips.

"I didn't want to be weak because it would hold me back from being the best," I told her, giving her a part of my heart after she'd shared one of hers with me. "But when I met you, I realised that being injured isn't a choice, and it doesn't go away by pretending it isn't there. It can only heal if you look for help."

She teared up. I still wasn't used to seeing her emotional, despite all she'd been through.

"Hey, talk to me, Mel." I put my hand above hers.

"Sorry, it's just really metaphorical and your words reached me," She said. "The whole 'it isn't a choice' and 'it won't go away by ignoring it'."

"And the 'it can only heal with help'?" I added. She must've been reliving all of the years that were taken from her at the hands of her asshole father.

She nodded. "I'm fine, don't worry."

"You are the strongest person I know, Missy."

She put a smile on, one that I knew wasn't real, and she continued eating her fries.

I didn't say anything of it, but she wasn't the same the entire rest of the day.

NOTE

Early update since I go on a school trip tomorrow x

Love, Rhiannon