HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

53. Running

MISSY
August 23rd 2005

Waking up in Johnny's arms was like heaven.

This time, it wasn't just us though, since Ollie joined us. We had a movie night with him and all three of us fell asleep on the couch.

I leaned into Johnny's side, while his arms laid gently around my neck. Ollie's face was on my stomach, getting drool all over my shirt, but I didn't really care.

My little brother was worse before, when he was a toddler. Joey and I had to potty train him.

One time, he hadn't made it on time and there was a bit of an accident.

I was cleaning it up, but then Teddy walked in. He offered me an ultimatum.

"Either you take the punches for him, or I'll twist Oliver's fecking neck," He'd said.

"Don't hurt him. He's a baby!" I pleaded with my father.

He turned to me. "I guess you've made your choice, then."

Johnny and Ollie both woke up.

I snapped out of it. Finding myself back in my reality, I evened out my breathing.

They'd never been this vivid to me, the flashbacks.

I was getting worse again.

"Baby, are you okay?" My boyfriend's morning voice sounded into my ear.

That alone was enough to drag my feet back to earth. "Just a memory. A bad one," I whispered, hoping Ollie wouldn't hear.

Johnny hummed, also wanting to shield my siblings as much as possible.

"Kitty," Ollie spoke up. "You're bleeding." He pointed to my arm.

I guess I was bleeding. I didn't know how it happened, though. It was a small scratch, so it was just a droplet or two.

I carefully moved Ollie off of me, hoping not to stain the expensive clothes Dellie bought him. I grabbed a tissue from the table and dabbed the blood off.

"I guess I scraped my arms somewhere." I shrugged.

I stared at the faint mark. Without the blood there, you could barely see that I was hurt.

Then, the other marks came into focus. My scars.

I grabbed Johnny's hand, needing to calm myself down.

Whenever I allowed myself to dive into my memories, I would black out, like I did after I dropped spaghetti while helping Edel.

My boyfriend got the hint, squeezing thrice. "Hey, Ols, wanna play a game?"

"Yeah, sures," My little brother agreed.

"Whoever brushes their teeth and gets dressed first gets McDonald's today," He told Ollie.

The little guy didn't waste any time before sprinting off to his room.

Johnny and I went up to his bedroom.

"I don't know what's happening," I started. "I never had these flashbacks, until after the fire."

"Maybe you need to grieve, but you haven't allowed yourself to?" He offered. It was definitely a possibility.

"Maybe. But I just feel anxious. There's this constant sense of impending doom pressing on my chest," I explained. "I feel like I can barely breathe."

"Maybe you could try new hobbies to distract yourself," My boyfriend told me.

I nodded slightly. "I'll join you on your run today."

He smiled. "Really?"

"Yes, really," I smiled.

"Okay, do you have athletic clothes?"

"I have O'Neills shorts and my school gym shirt." I shrugged.

"That'll do," He laughed.

•

Yeah, I was really doing this.

I did my best to keep up with Johnny, but he was already slowing down for me, so I didn't wanna hold him back more than I had.

"You can go on, I'm gonna head back," I heaved, out of breath.

"Hey, don't give up so easily." He turned around and stepped to me. "Pretend that there's a chip shop at the end of the road."

I raised my eyebrows. "Really? You think that'll work?"

He rolled his eyes. "You gotta try. Running is really fun once you've got it down."

"But I don't like it now," I complained, as I always did. I realised that complaining was a luxury I didn't have before.

He circled around me in a jog. "I'm gonna tickle you."

I frowned. "Ew, what the hell, Johnny?"

"I totally am," He continued.

"No—" I realised he was going to chase me. I started bolting.

He ran right behind me. After a minute or two, he stopped intentionally being slow and he caught up to me, grabbing me around my waist and spinning me around. I giggled and softly punched his back.

When he put me down, he shook his head.

"What?" I grinned right back at him.

"We really need to work on your speed, baby," He answered.

I rolled my eyes. "You suck."

"But you love me."

I rolled my eyes. "I guess I do."

•

"What happened?" Edel said as we walked into the kitchen.

"We went on a run," Johnny said. He was proud.

"He chased me," I laughed.

She smiled. Then teared up. I remembered the first time I had a conversation with her. She cried then, too. "You're happy," She observed.

I nodded, slightly confused but content nonetheless. "I am. I really am."

"You better not break her heart, Jonathan," She said sternly.

"Mam!" He groaned.

My family.

My happy family.