HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

24. I'm stronger than all my men except for you

MISSY
March 23rd 2005

Someone knocked on the door. Mam made me go open up, even with my new black eye.

The past month and a half had been pure torture. Joey called me home from school on February seventh. When I got home, Aoife had already gotten there and taken him to her house.

So, I was accidentally lured into a death trap. My Da with a bottle of whiskey, plus his 'favourite' daughter coming home from school.

He humiliated me until Shannon came home and he quickly acted like nothing was happening. He ended up throwing both of our phones in dirty sink water.

Joey and Aoife drove me over to the hospital after Shannon found me, and it turned out I had a broken ankle and a concussion. I was stuck in a cast. I also had to stay home for the week because of the head damage. In bed, since Da took away my crutches.

I forbid Shannon from telling Johnny anything. She successfully avoided him all week, which I was grateful for. If he was going to find out, he was going to hear it from me, and he wasn't going to step a foot in this house. I wouldn't bring him in danger.

Another month passed in which I stayed home.

Joey had given me a talking to and it brought up a lot of memories about Taggart. I don't know what happened, but I got stuck in my head again. It also made me rethink not reporting Da for all the shite he did to my siblings and I.

I spiralled. It really wasn't good. I had these periods when I would become an empty shell. This time, a whole month, I was lifeless. Shannon told me that couldn't avoid Johnny, but she convinced him I was alive and that he didn't need to come to the house.

The weekend after Shannon's birthday, both of our parents disappeared after things blew up. We didn't have any food. Aoife helped us out a lot. She was basically our sister; she was part of our family, more than my parents were.

It turned out later that Mam had a miscarriage. Joey went to take care of it at the hospital whilst I prepared the house for her arrival back home.

It wasn't the first time it had happened to Mam, but I was stuck in my head about what would've been, could've been, should've been my own baby. It only made me worse.

When she did get home a day later, she was a crying mess, a permanent cigarette stuck in between her pointer and middle finger.

For another week, I stayed home from school to help around the house, this time with Shannon. It was a mess.

I was half of myself there without Johnny. Already a month and two weeks without any way to reach him. I didn't want to worry him, but I couldn't let him see me this way.

Shannon went back to school, while I kept helping out at home for another week.

Tommen called once or thrice and I made up excuses like sickness or passing of a family member.

I hated myself for not fighting back or anything. I should tell someone, I often thought. I scrapped that whenever I thought of my siblings separated in care, though.

So, when I creaked open the door, my eyes widened because my boyfriend was right there. I opened the door further.

He stared at me wordlessly first, letting out a relieved breath. Then, he looked behind me at the inside of the house, laying eyes on the peeling wallpaper. The floorboards squeaked as I shuffled on my feet. My house was fucked up. I was embarrassed.

The smell of cigarettes and whiskey came from inside, and I saw Johnny perceiving it before furrowing his eyebrows.

The kitchen door opened and Sean wandered out. "Kitty?" He murmured.