HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

43. Having 13

MISSY
May 12th 2005

Johnny and I sat in one of the multiple living rooms in his house. My house, too, I guessed.

"So, do you wanna talk?" He asked, pausing the show we were watching.

I swallowed the bile in my throat. "Well," I cleared my airway. "I can't do it."

"Can't do... what exactly?" He frowned in confusion.

I bit my lip. "I can't have kids."

I saw his expression sort of fall into shock, and I understood, but my stomach still twisted with dread.

"That's okay," He finally spoke. "As I said, we don't need to have kids."

"I wanted kids," I sighed deeply. "But, uhm."

"What happened?" Johnny asked.

I closed my eyes, the view of falling down two flights of stairs coming back to me.

"I had a baby, once," I told Johnny one of my heaviest-weighing secrets.

His eyes widened. "You have a child?"

"I miscarried," I quickly corrected myself before the confusion gave Johnny the wrong idea.

He stayed silent for a second. "Oh. From the..." He hesitated. "From the rape."

I nodded, wincing at it being called that by someone else. "Taggart didn't want the baby."

His eyes squinted. "What did he do to you, baby?"

I shook my head. "He pushed me down the stairs."

Johnny had to rest his head in his hands for a minute.

"Did you know the gender?" He asked, knowing I didn't want to talk about the miscarriage itself.

I nodded.

"A girl?" My boyfriend asked, like it was his sixth sense to know me through and through.

"Yeah, a baby girl," I confirmed, my voice raspy and dry with hurt.

I couldn't tell him the real reason why I couldn't have kids. Yeah, I miscarried, but the gynaecologist told me I could still get pregnant.

After the first time Da violated my body, I had genital injuries and even went to the hospital for it. They told me my cervix had been damaged too much for me to be able to safely deliver children, so they offered me a contraceptive rod.

I couldn't get pregnant since, and neither the baby or me would make it out unscathed if I did try to have a child.

It was that day I decided I wouldn't give him my tears, and I stopped letting myself cry.

Johnny hugged me.

I was never a big hugger before meeting him. I held my younger siblings to comfort them, but that was about it.

Johnny had shown me that I could be gentle. I wasn't just Lynch Vicious; that dumb nickname didn't define me. I didn't have to spend the rest of my life fighting with my words.

"I love you always," He whispered. "Hey, is that why you couldn't care less about taking plan B after the condom got stuck?"

I laughed. "Yeah. That's why."

I squeezed his hand at my side three times.

•

"You feeling better?" He asked later that day, coming back from training or someplace.

I nodded, needing the feeling of his arms around me again. I opened mine, and he fell into them, grabbing my waist and flipping us to be spooning.

We didn't need words. We just felt it.

"Hey, Mel?" He asked after some minutes.

"Johnny," I acknowledged.

"I need you to remember that, no matter what, you always have me," He reassured me. "Always."

"I have you?" I asked, a smile coming to my face.

"You have all of me. Everything. Yours."

"I think I kinda like having you, 13," I said.

He kissed my cheek. "You better get used to it."

I smiled sadly then. "I used to have nothing."

"Well, you're not getting rid of me until the day I drop dead," He joked.

I glared, making him realise that death puns weren't really appropriate right now. I appreciated it, I found it funny, but in case one of the kids heard, I had to tell him off.

"Yeah, but you came into my life and now I have," I finished my previous sentence. "A lot to lose."

"And everything to gain, Missy," He tried to keep me positive. "You have so many possibilities."

"Oh, don't worry about my pessimism. I won't let myself lose you," I assured him.

He laughed and held me tighter.

"Johnny," I started. I loved the days when we would talk about everything and nothing at the same time. "I'm sorry for being sad all the time."

"That's not all you are. You're also strong. You're happy when you're with your siblings," He started building me back up after I broke myself down again. "And you're horny when you're with me," He added jokingly.

I laughed. "Shut up, we're downstairs," I whispered.

"Wanna go listen to music?" He asked.

I knew what it meant. "Yeah."

I was happy I still had him, and I always would.

NOTE

Awwww having 13!!! Title mention!!!

Sorry that she didn't tell him the whole truth yet, but it's coming soon

Anyways, five more exams for me guys and then I'm free for this year :')

Love you all Xx

Love, Rhiannon