HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

36. All I can say is 'shite'

MISSY
April 21st 2005

'I realised that being injured isn't a choice, and it doesn't go away by pretending it isn't there. It can only heal if you look for help.'

Johnny's words rung in my ears.

It felt like a metaphor for exactly what I was going through and it was eating away at me inside. I felt so guilty for being sad the rest of the day, because I felt my boyfriend also turning sad because of it.

"I realised that being... assaulted isn't a choice, and it doesn't go away by pretending it isn't there. It can only heal if you look for help," I whispered to myself in the same cracked mirror I'd looked in all those times before, checking out which bruises and cuts he left me with that time.

I didn't have to do that anymore, but everything in this house reminded me of it. I wished it would all burn to the ground, taking Teddy and my Mam with it.

I was free to fly out. I could leave the city and hide out until I turned eighteen. It was something that had crossed my mind a few times, since the kids were safer now.

But even though the door of this cage was open, I couldn't leave.

The cage was all I knew.

A knock came on the door. I knew it was Shannon because she was one of the only ones who knocked and she knocked softly.

"Come in," My voice shook. Shite.

"Hey, Missy," Shannon asked. "Can I use your phone for a second? I wanna show Tadhg the pictures you took of the forest view outside your hospital room window."

"Alright." I grabbed it from my pocket and handed it to her.

"I'll find them and then show him," She told me as she scrolled through my photos. "Oh my god, did you take naked pictures?" She yelled out.

"Shh," I quieted her down. "What? No!" I hurried over to her to see what she was talking about.

Shite.

The bruises on my thighs and hips.

In the hospital, I'd taken pictures of all my injuries. For if I'd ever need evidence or anything, y'know?

I didn't expect anyone to see them.

"Missy, what is this?" She grew panicked.

"Shan, calm down," I tried to keep her from hyperventilating.

"Did he? Did he actually?" She teared up.

I looked at the floor. Shannon's mouth fell open before she put the phone back in my hands.

"Oh my god, Missy."

I shook my head. "Don't cry, Shannon, please."

"I thought he might've but I tried to make myself believe it was just hurting you—not... forcing—"

"Don't say it!" I raised my voice. "Sorry, shite, I'm sorry. I shouldn't yell. I'm sorry."

Shannon started sobbing and she left the room. Fuck.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and laid my head in my hands.

•

MISSY
April 26th 2005

Shannon and I hadn't really spoken since she found out the truth. Or, more like I had deliberately avoided her for days.

Darren had whined about her friend, Aran, coming over, though. It took Shannon a lot of convincing, apparently. Darren had convinced Mam in turn, but Mam was too busy smoking and crying to even notice.

I left them alone in Shannon and I's room, hearing them laugh and talk for hours while hanging out on top of the staircase.

Ollie and Tadhg were training. Joey was god knows where and Darren and Mam were with Sean, taking him to the doctor's since he had somewhat of a cold.

I used to sit here for hours with Joey, a hurley in his hands, both of us waiting for the sound of shattering glass bottles to go and save Mam.

I quit saving her after I started dating Taggart, because I was just like her and knew that she didn't want to be saved.

•

At a certain point, Joe did come home. Surprisingly, he was sober as well. He came to sit next to me.

"I just saw Aoife," He said. "I'm fucked up, Missy. I think I need to go to rehab."

I pulled him in and let him cry on my shoulder. He was so vulnerable right now, and it seriously hurt me to see him like that.

"She's pregnant," He told me.

I was surprised, but I could tell he had processed it. How he did was not my favourite thing to think about, but I knew they'd get through this. They were Joey and Aoif.

"You'll be okay, Joe. You're so strong."

After a few minutes, he wiped his tears. "Alright, let me go look at this Aran guy. See if he's good enough for my littlest sister."

I knew he was craving and desperately trying to distract himself.

I knew there was no helping him unless he was locked up away from it.

He came out of Shannon and I's room only a second later. "Melissa," He said.

"Yeah?"

"Tell me why the fuck I just walked in on Shannon crying to him and telling him that Da raped you?" He yelled.

My eyes widened and I froze. Shite.

"Tell me it's not true," Joey yelled. "Tell me he didn't. Tell me the time I found you in your underwear on the kitchen floor wasn't because of him."

The first tear fell, and I looked him in the eyes. "He didn't."

Joey shook his head. "He fucking did. Oh my god, he did!"

"Joe—"

"He broke your pubic bone!" Joey cried out. He shook his head, punched the wall and disappeared into his room.

My sister was crying and traumatised. My brother was disgusted and relapsing because of me.

And I felt like all that was on me.

I made my way down the stairs, out the door, and to the bus stop.

I had to talk to someone who understood it.