HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

32. Helicopter mother

JOHNNY
April 3rd 2005

My Mam was the definition of a helicopter mother right now. She hovered over me all the time and wouldn't let me do anything by myself.

I was really determined on getting back on track as soon as possible, and she was the main obstacle right now. I was so grateful that both my parents were staying home for now, but it held me back from the freedom I usually had.

If I was home alone right now, I wouldn't spend a minute out of some recovery gym centre or Mel's hospital room. But I was stuck in my room, using stupid arms weight to stay fit and waiting for the physiotherapist to come once a day and make me do light exercising on my leg.

I was glad to know my girlfriend was alive, but, Jaysus, it killed me. The guilt. I could've stopped all this. I could've told Da. I would've lost her, but she was more important than us. I'd rather have her stay in the world than just in my world.

But she was safe. It was the biggest relief of my life when I heard her voice. Gibsie told me that I should mentally prepare myself because the bruising on the Lynch sisters wasn't a light matter, especially Shannon's.

I never wanted to see one of my best friends and my girlfriend hurting like that. But I would look past it; since I so badly wanted to kiss Missy again and hold her in my arms. It was killing me to not be able to comfort her.

She told me via Gibsie's phone that her Mam and her oldest brother Darren—who I think she mentioned once during one of our talks at Biddies—weren't allowing her a cellphone since it would distract her from the most important thing: family.

I imagined her eye roll and spoken insults under her breath as they told her that. Shite, yeah, I missed her.

Gibs came over. He looked less energetic than most days. I assumed it was because of the Lynch incident in general. We were silently playing PlayStation but mostly just sulking. We didn't curse when we lost and we didn't cheer when we won.

"Cap, Melissa has been through shit. She really needs you to be there for her right now," He told me, putting the controller down.

"I know." I furrowed my eyebrows. She was my girlfriend, wasn't she?

"No, no. Listen." He put a hand on my shoulder. "She needs serious emotional crutches from the people who love her. It will only go downhill from here."

I was confused. What did she tell him?

"What did she say to you that's got you spazzing like this, Gibs?" I laughed dryly, more astounded than entertained.

He sighed. "She'll be the one to tell you."

I rolled my eyes. "Alright. You're speaking in riddles. Let's get some food."

I brushed it off, but I was truly freaking out. What the fuck did he mean?

"I've got strict orders from Mammy K to keep you inside, Cap," He said, turning back into his idiotic self.

I groaned.

•

MISSY
April 3rd 2005

A fighter jet. That's what I fucking had for a mother. Darren was her ammunition. They were losing all rounds of bullets on me.

Mam kept begging everyone to not tell on her complicity. She kept an eye on whoever entered and left my room. It was driving me crazy. Darren spoke for her and tried to be the responsible older brother.

"Bit late for that, isn't it?" I taunted him.

He scoffed. "At least I'm here. Joe hasn't visited you once."

I was seriously enraged. "Fuck you!" I yelled. "He was there the last six years. Where were you? Somewhere up North? England? C'mon, Mammy's boy."

"Melissa, this behaviour won't be condoned any longer, so I suggest you do something about it," He factually retorted, letting me know he would snap if I egged him on a little further.

"We all know you had contact with Mam," I said. "Did she tell you? That he nearly killed Joey an uncountable amount of times? That he hit eleven-year-old Tadhg every now and then?! He put his hands on Ollie once. That's only the shit I know about, Darren."

He swallowed, trying to regulate his emotions. "Theodora—"

"No!" I yelled, hating that he called me that. He was the one who called me Melissa so I wouldn't have to live with sharing Da's name. "You're being cruel."

"As if you aren't!" He broke through.

"I'm seventeen and have been trapped since birth. You're twenty-four and have been free for six years," I scoffed. "There's a difference."

He breathed deeply before simply turning around and slamming the door behind him.

Why was I turning into this person? I couldn't believe I had to be her. My Mother.

I hadn't looked in a mirror since last week. I didn't even want to see the bruises. My pubic bone was torturing me enough.

Every time I felt the pain, I remembered where it was coming from, and then I remembered what caused it. I couldn't get it out of my head. The crack. The moment I realised something wasn't right.

The moment I knew nothing would be the same again.

The blood coming out of Shannon's mouth. Tadhg's mouth opening but not being able to hear the words he was saying.

I just wanted to forget.

NOTE

OOPS I fell asleep before updating yesterday... anyway I woke up ten minutes ago and this is the first thing I'm doing

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 40K READS, this is crazy. <3

Love, Rhiannon