HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

56. Jesus Christ, I'm so blue

MISSY
August 31st 2005

I'd gone to school on Monday and Tuesday, especially to take my mind off the grief.

I'd grieved my mother, for sure, but I saw it coming. I got to prepare for it for 17 years.

This time, it was unpredicted. It was sudden and cruel.

The driver who hit Taylor hadn't been found. It was a hit and run.

Despite her trying to kill me a few hours before, I still felt like I didn't deserve to be the one alive.

I already got out of that world, but she was still stuck in it.

And now she will be forever.

Today was her funeral. I thought about not going, because I blamed myself. She was distracted, talking to me, when she got hit.

Edel told me she'd go with me. We decided together that we'd go, but leave immediately after so we wouldn't have to talk to anyone.

Tate lived with her grandmother, so we sat next to her on the front row.

There were barely 10 people attending.

It broke my heart.

Everyone knew her, but no one cared enough to show.

I sobbed while they played a slideshow of pictures.

Her as a baby, then as a schoolgirl. A lot of pictures of her teenage years.

And that was it.

Usually, when you attend a funeral, you get to see the person grow old until they're 70 years old, or even further.

But Tate had only reached 18.

When Edel and I got back in the car, I cried into her shoulder. "This can't be real," I sniffled. "It doesn't feel like reality."

"Time heals all wounds, pet," She told me. "I'm here for you."

"I don't think I'll ever recover from this," I dramatically told her, my nose stuffy and my eyes hurting from the crying.

"You will, Melissa." She ran her hand over my hair, smoothing it down. "You can."

I barely believed her.

When we got home, Shannon and Tadhg were waiting in the couch.

I silently sat next to them and grabbed the TV remote. I turned it on, and switched channels until I found some good entertainment material.

I stumbled upon One Tree Hill. It had been months since Shan and I watched it together, so I put the remote down and leaned my head on Tadhg's shoulder.

"Aoife gave birth," Shannon delivered the news carefully. "We already went visit, but we wanted to be there for you when you got back."

I sighed in relief.

Joey had been home for a few days now, and Aoif was due to give birth today.

"How is Aoife? What's the baby, the name?" I asked, even though I felt like I could fall asleep.

"Aoife is a total... she's good. Joey was definitely like, 'all of this was worth it'," Tadhg announced seriously, not muttering one of his clever jokes this time around.