HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

41. Heaven / Lovesong

CONTENT WARNING
Spoiler alert, they have sex lol

MISSY
May 9th 2005

Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

Bryan Adams sung to me as I laid on a bed in some room at the Kavanagh's place—the Manor, as Gibsie called it. This was my room now. It was much bigger than the box room Shan and I shared.

I hadn't seen Gibs since it all happened. I wondered how he was doing. I wasn't really talking to or seeing anyone.

I physically couldn't be with my siblings—I knew it was cruel to them, but it was so hard to see the let down look on their faces.

They knew I left her there. They knew I wasn't grieving her, I was grieving the justice I would now never get.

I didn't see them since I entered this room, but Johnny let me know that Sean and Ollie were taking it in an okay way, the most 'okay' you could be after your parents died.

Tadhg was dealing with a whole bunch of sadness and frustration. Shannon and Joe stuck together like glue and were both devastated. Darren was fussing over the funeral, trying to drive away his feelings.

And I isolated myself in here. The only people who would come in and out were Edel, Johnny, and Darren.

I wasn't sad. I knew this was going to happen, I anticipated it. But the kitchen where it always happened was gone. The several pieces of clothing I wore the times that he raped me, the ones I kept in plastic bags, were all burnt.

I didn't have any evidence left. The perpetrator wasn't even alive.

My boyfriend stuck by my side whenever he wasn't at the gym, training, or school. He told me about Edel and John possibly adopting all of us. I liked the thought of that, I mean, I always felt welcome here.

I stared at the ceiling as the song ended. There was a knock at my door. I pulled out my earphones.

"Who is it?" I softly asked.

"Tadhg," His pre-pubescent voice made me sad. No one his age, or Ollie's or Sean's, should be going through this. Scrap that—no one at all should be forced to face a cruel world in that way.

"Come in," I finally said to him.

My little brother entered the room, closed the door behind him, and just stood there looking at me.

"Get over here, Tiger." I opened my arms. He walked over and fell into them. It was rare for him to let that tough rebellious act down.

"Missy, is it true?" He asked.

"What's true?" I replied.

"Are you hiding something? I overheard Johnny telling his Da that he's worried about ya," He explained.

"Oh, Tadhg, I'm fine," I tried to reassure him, internally panicking that Johnny even considered telling something to his father. "And how are you? How's life outside of this room?" I joked.

"I'm..." He struggled to find the words. "I guess I'm sad. Everyone's sad. The world is so grey."

I hugged him tighter and rubbed his back. I was cherishing this side of him, because it was for me only. I tried to tell him from a young age that he had to express his feelings. Ollie, too.