HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

59. Confrontation

MISSY
September 11th 2005

When I woke up, my mind wouldn't stop racing. I had to take more of the pills, no matter how much I debated against it.

Only three. That was enough to slow down and relax. I swallowed them dry.

"Mel?" Johnny knocked on the door.

I quickly screwed the cap back on and put the bottle back into the cabinet. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing in there?"

"Uh, pissing," I lied.

"Open the door, Melissa," He said calmly, and I could tell he was trying not to upset me.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't need 24/7 surveillance."

"Melissa, you're drugging yourself," He confirmed that he knew what I'd been doing for the past week.

I swallowed, my dry throat itching from the inside. "I'm not a child."

"Let me in," He pleaded with me. "C'mon. I'm just worried."

"I'm tired of being worried about. I can handle myself." I told him. "I'm okay."

"It's not because you spent 17 years taking care of yourself that you can't depend on me—"

I cut him off. "Stop acting like I need to confide in you! It's suffocating how you expect me to tell you everything."

I heard him go quiet. "Do you even fucking hear yourself?"

I took a deep breath. "I didn't mean it."

"Of course you do. I know you mean it. I'm suffocating you." He said sarcastically. It was unclear through the door, but he sounded like it genuinely hurt him. "Am I speaking to Lynch Vicious?"

I scoffed. "Are you serious?"

He tried to the door handle again. "You just told me I'm suffocating. I love you, and you feel suffocated by me?"

"I just think, maybe, we can't survive a relationship while living together."

Johnny sighed. "Why are you pushing me away?"

I laughed in disbelief. "Can't I be overwhelmed? I just think we're going crazy. We're both acting out of character."

"That's the feckin' problem! There's always something wrong with you!" He yelled.

I gasped.

Did he think I wanted this? I didn't choose to be born in that house. I didn't decide that all these things would happen to the people around me.

"Johnny?" I heard Edel say. "Melissa? What's going on with you two?"

I held my tears back. No more crying.

Because Johnny was right. I'd been doing nothing but crying for the last couple of months. People's moods instantly turned sour whenever they hung around me, because I was a dark rain cloud.