HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

45. Are you serious?

MISSY
May 18th 2005

I went to a fancy restaurant for the first time a few days ago. I wore a dress and put my hair up. I felt beautiful for a while.

It was now a Wednesday, though, and Shannon and I were finally going back to school. I was happy to take my mind off things.

I was sitting with Shannon, Claire and Liz during lunch. They talked about whatever, I didn't really listen.

I realised it was hard to pretend everything was normal again.

I was tired of being so gloomy.
Naive,
angry,
misunderstood,
sad,
vulnerable,
gloomy,
empty.

No, no. I couldn't let myself fall down that hole again.

I wasn't any of those things. I was just tired of being different. Of feeling out of place.

I sighed, a bit too loudly.

"What's up, chickie?" Claire asked me, mouth still half full with whatever she was eating.

I shook my head. "Nothing."

"You sure?" Shan asked.

"I'm fine," I snapped. "God, will you stop treating me like I'm glass, Shannon?"

It was cruel. I shouldn't have said it in that way. But it was already out, and tears were already creeping up in her eyes.

Ever since she found out, she had been pretending like I was a bed of nails and she was trying to divide her weight as to not get impaled.

And now it stung bad.

I scoffed at the fact that she was crying and got up. I didn't have the energy to apologise. I took my bag with me and soon after, I found myself behind the main building, smoking a cigarette.

I'd taken the pack from Joey's stuff. He was at rehab either way. I hadn't smoked or drank anything in a while, but everything was getting to be too much.

I was drifting further and further outside myself, taking a backseat in my own life.

Someone joined me. I didn't even have to look, I just felt it was my boyfriend.

I also smelled his cologne which always left the sweetest scent behind on my pillow.

"Hey," I said before taking a drag.

"You smoke now?" He didn't greet me. He seemed very, very nervous.

I hadn't caught him this morning or last night because he'd been out with Gibs, Claire and Shannon. I didn't feel like going. This morning he went to the gym and then to school, since there would be Ireland officials at his next match.

We hadn't had any classes together yet either. I had gym (girls only), honours history, and German.

So what could have happened between after school yesterday and lunchtime today?

I nodded. "I used to smoke before I met you."

"What's going on?" He takes my empty left hand in his right. "You tell me you're good, but you're not alright, Mel. You're barely here."

I know, Johnny. I'm the one living like this.

"I guess it's hard to be at school again, with everybody knowing about the fire and all," I explained, trying to satisfy his need to know me.

Sometimes I wished I was still lonely. It sounded selfish, but I wasn't used to feeling so loved. Often times, it was too much for me to process.

He nodded, understanding. Then, he tried to find the silver lining again. "You're off your crutches, though."