HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

22. Dangerous territory

MISSY
February 7th 2005

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the bleeding, goddamned donkey.

When I woke up, I realised that I was in a boy's arms—Johnny Kavanagh's arms!

The boy who unknowingly convinced me to leave Taggart Brady was holding me, and I liked it so much that I didn't ever want it to stop.

I was falling for him and losing my grip on the edge of the cliff. He was dragging me head-first into his rugby mess, teaching me everything about freedom in the process. I was jumping in the deep end, but it was more fun to swim in either way.

I woke up early in the morning, once light started peeking through the half-closed drapes.

It was the first night since I was six that I didn't have a nightmare. I was way too comfortable with this boy—my boyfriend. God, it was crazy to call him that.

He looked beautiful with the sunrise shining on him. It was like he belonged in this position; the sun blinding his sleepy face and me in his arms.

I concluded that Johnny was the most beautiful boy to ever walk beneath the sun and moon, and that each star was lucky to have him in their light.

I closed my eyes and rested for a couple more minutes, my thoughts only focused on the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

It was pure bliss, waking up this close to him. I never wanted to spend my mornings any other way.

He was everything to me, and it was dangerous. Being in his arms was dangerous. I was allowing myself to be vulnerable, which led to secrets spilling.

He and his family had already figured out enough on themselves, and while I never said something that confirmed it, I didn't deny any of it either.

I wanted so badly to just break down and beg Johnny for help, but I had to keep my head and keep Da's hands off my brothers and sister.

Minutes of me being awake passed, and by the time the clock hanging above the TV displayed seven o'clock, my boyfriend finally woke up.

"Good morning," I said, keeping my voice soft.

He flexed his arms around me, yawning with his mouth close. "Hi, baby," He sounded happy. "Did you sleep alright?"

"I slept better than I ever have." I dropped my head back down on his chest.

He hummed in agreement. We both took advantage of this peace which we knew was temporary, since it was Monday morning and school awaited.

I then got up while talking to him about the portion of Dead Poets Society that we did finish.

"So, when he says that in front of the entire class, Neil just looks at him..." I blabbered, being too energetic for so early on in the morning.

Johnny listened attentively as he led me to his bathroom upstairs, which ended in both of us brushing our teeth. Shannon had packed all of our toothbrushes in the tiny overnight bag, along with my medication for my allergies and often sudden sickness.

After we finished, Johnny and I made out for ten minutes—which, by the way, 10/10 experience—and he brought me downstairs into the kitchen.

I couldn't get used to the feeling of someone's lips fitting perfectly against mine, but Johnny showed me that it would soon feel normal.

We walked in through the doorframe and Edel was making breakfast for us. It was an unusually domestic scene to me, but it felt so right. I never wanted to go back to the council estate I had to call my home.