HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

58. It's hard

MISSY
September 10th 2005

Every night, it got harder to sleep. I tried everything.

I slept in Johnny's bed, even though it was strictly forbidden. I still couldn't really rest.

I tried yoga. I tried meditation and hypnosis done by Ollie.

I tried the pills, and they were the only thing that worked, so I was taking them in the bathroom again.

It felt like this was all in my head. That it was my own fault that I wasn't sleeping.

It felt like there was something wrong with me.

Whenever I looked in the mirror, I was looking at a stranger.

"Goodnight," I said while pushing my boyfriend's door open. "I'm gonna sleep."

"Sweet dreams." Johnny stood up, coming over to hug me.

I breathed him in, something I always did, and sighed. After he let me go, I pecked his lips and then turned to leave.

"I love you," He said.

"Sleep well," I answered.

"Hey—" Johnny stopped me, a pouty look on his face. "I love you."

I tried to smile. "I love you too."

He nodded. I rolled my eyes. "What?"

"Drama queen," I replied.

He scoffed. "Bye."

"Bye, bye." I waved.

•

JOHNNY
September 10th 2005

I fucking knew it.

Of course I found out. I knew better than anyone when something was wrong with Mel. I saw through her easily.

And you could blame it on the fact that her friend just died, but I could hardly believe she forgot to say 'I love you too'. My attentive, caring girlfriend? No way.

So, a few minutes ago, after she left with those clouded over eyes, I went to the bathroom and checked the medicine cabinet.

I never wanted to suspect her of taking pills, but when I found my old post-surgery pain meds, I unscrewed the top and saw barely four capsules remaining.

I knew that there'd been more of those in here.

I was going to ask her about this, because I didn't want it to go too far.

But I'd wait until tomorrow.

NOTE

Sorry but I'm even more sick so it's a short chapter :( I'm cooking a long one for next week though <3