HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

63. Mirror

MISSY
October 30th 2005

Before my first appointment with the psychiatrist, I stared into the mirror for twenty minutes while getting ready.

I examined my face's entire surface. I observed the difference between my real hair and the dye at my roots. I started into my own eyes and wondered if doing this for hours would drive me crazy.

I asked myself if maybe I already was. Maybe all the shite that I'd gone through had driven me fully insane. Maybe none of this was real, perhaps it was some sort of dream.

When I got there, the psychiatrist started out by asking me questions about the people that played important roles in my life.

"My siblings," I started. "My friends and my adoptive parents."

"And how have you handled your biological parents' deaths?" She asked. I assumed Edel must've told her some stuff already.

"Uh, I don't know. I didn't really feel sad," I said.

"Did you feel numb?"

"Yeah." I shrugged. "I'm not good at talking about my feelings."

"Okay," She wrote something down in her notebook. "How many siblings do you have?"

"Darren, Joseph, Shannon, Tadhg, Oliver and Sean," I named them all. "Six."

"Joey had a son last month, didn't he?"

I nodded. "Edel told you everything, huh?"

Dr. Sutton smiled. "She told me a lot about your surroundings, but not much about you. Why don't you introduce yourself a bit?"

"Uh, alright," I said. "I'm Melissa Lynch. I'm 17 years old. I have six siblings. I like reading and sleeping. I go to Tommen College."

"How would you describe your personality?" She asked.

"I'm stubborn, lazy and introverted," I named the three traits I prepared. I knew that she'd ask something about my characteristics.

"Let me reword that. How would your friends describe you?" She inquired instead.

I shrugged. This was one of those stupid psychology tricks. "Loyal. I feel like I'm loyal."

"What else, Melissa?" She smiled.

"I'm kind of unstable. Like, I have extreme emotions that change quickly," I explained. "I feel like my friends would know that."

She asked me a few more questions about myself and then continued to tell me how this would go. I'd tell her about myself and my daily struggles once every week. She'd have some conversations with Edel and John, and my siblings.

Eventually she'd be able to either tell me what my problem is and connect me to a psychologist or she'd diagnose me.

I didn't want to be diagnosed because I didn't wanna have a problem in the first place, but I guess there was no turning back time; there was no way to undo the damage that was already done.

I was scared of what she'd find out.

•

JOHNNY
October 31st 2005

Tonight, Hughie's throwing his annual party again. Everyone's going to be there, even Missy.

Apparently, she'd asked my Mam to see a psychiatrist because she genuinely wanted to get better. She went for the first time yesterday and seemed more silent when she came back.

Currently, we were spending some quality time together, lazing on the couch and watching brainless reality TV.

"Why do they say it like that?" She asked, laughing.

"They're another species," I exaggerated. "I wouldn't participate in this shite for a million euros."

"Me neither," Mel laughed. "Hey, is your costume ready? We should leave in, like, an hour."

"Yeah, it's ready." I grinned. "I can't believe you're making me do this."

"Oh, c'mon, you totally love it. You just can't admit it because it's 'humiliating', in some way."

"I haven't seriously dressed up for Halloween since..." I shrugged. "Never."

"It's my first time, too." She turned off the TV and got up. "I'm gonna go get ready."

•

I drove us to the party, promising my parents to not drink so I could get Missy and Shannon home safe.

When we got there at 10pm, there was already a random throwing up in Hugh's front yard.

We walked in, immediately greeted by Gibs and Claire. Claire pulled Shannon through the party, probably both going to find Lizzie.

"Really?" Gibs laughed. "She got you to wear a couple's costume?"

I rolled my eyes. "She's the boss."

"I'm the boss," She echoed. "I'm Leia and he's Han Solo."

I rolled my eyes, but held back a smile. She was so excited about this, how could I have told her 'no'?

I reached for her hand and held it. "What are you?" I asked my best friend.

"I'm Danny, Claire-bear is my Sandy," He replied.

"You look like you're going to rip those pants if you take even one step," Mel commented.

"I probably am," He laughed.

"Where's Hugh? We should wish him a happy birthday," She changed the subject, frowning but smiling at the movements Gibs was making.

"I dunno," He replied.

I sighed. "We'll go find him."

NOTE

Back after a month long hiatus <3 I had some personal things to deal with, since the real world sadly still exists :')

And when I say I love all of you I mean it xx

Love, Rhiannon