HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

34. Ptolomaea / Sun Bleached Flies

MISSY
April 8th 2005

Today was my first day alone since it all went down.

Not really alone, but just unsupervised in my room.

It was getting to me. They thought I was better, but the more it hurts, the less it shows.

Their words rung in my ears. All of them. All of it. All too much.

"Where do you think you're going, ya whore?!"

Make it stop.

Mam came walking down the stairs, and as she laid eyes on me, a slight shift in her expression was the only reaction the scene before her got. Da was on top of me, unbuckling his belt, and all she did was grab a glass of bleeding water and make her merry way up the stairs again. "Mam," I begged. "Please, Mammy. Help me. Mammy."

Make it stop. I've had enough.

"I know there's more going on than Brady. I've been exactly where you are," Gibsie continued. "It's only going to get better once ye tell someone."

Stop.

"Fecking slut!"

Stop.

"You're just like Marie."

Stop.

Crack.

Stop...

•

I woke up to Joey leaning over me.

I was so relieved to see my brother. We'd always been a team along with Shannon, and not having seen him since before it all went down was driving me halfway insane.

I knew that he didn't see Shannon or me as people on his side, which was understandable, but still sad. I held him so highly. He was one of my favourite people in the universe.

"Missy," He noticed I was awake.

"Joe." I got up, supporting myself with my arms on the bed. "Are you okay?"

Of course.

He was high. The distant, foggy expression told me exactly that.

He didn't answer me anymore.

"Joe?"

He fell forward on top of me.

"Joey!" I yelled, flipping him to his side and slipping my legs from under him. I dragged him to lay on my bed correctly, worried about his condition.

Then, I noticed it.

A tear straying from his eye, making its way down his cheek.

My eyes glazed over.

"Please don't float too high, the sun will burn your wings, and you are everything," I softly hummed the song I usually did for Shannon to my brother. "Please just run away, the headlights, they will catch you, your mother, she will miss you."

A knock sounded at the door. I pulled my duvet over him.

"Don't cry," I whispered to my brother. "Come in!" I answered then.

Shannon walked in.

"Hi," She greeted. "Oh my god, he's home!" My baby sister ran over to look at our brother whilst he was floating distantly to another dimension.

"Don't look for too long, Shan," I warned.

She looked away then. I followed her out of the room.

"How have you been doing?" I tried to smoothly change the subject.

"I'm great," She told me. "Aran is coming over today. I spent hours convincing Darren." She rolled her eyes at the mention of our oldest brother.

Shannon was more confident in expressing her opinions around me. That's what I liked about our bond. We could tell each other every single thing.

Except one.

"Hey," I started. Just tell her. "...Do you think Darren would drive me to Johnny's place?"

"Maybe if you nag for long enough like I did."

I smiled sarcastically and rolled my eyes. "Sure, like I'd wanna spend my time doing that. I'll just ask..."

It hit me. I barely had anyone to ask.

I only had two actual friends; Johnny and Gibsie.

It made me realise how much closer I could have been with Claire and Lizzie, perhaps Patrick Feely, or even Aoife, Casey, and Katie. I had so many chances, but I passed by them all because I was stuck in my head.

"Gibs," I lied. I didn't want to keep bothering him.

I was forced into this life, honestly. Tag and my father made me like this. They made me think I couldn't trust anyone and they made me push everyone away.

I always thought that, in the end, no one was coming to save me, so I didn't see a point in learning otherwise.

So I kept hiding and hiding, until I met Johnny and figured that there were people I could trust.

Seventeen years too late.

Give me a fucking break, brain.