HAVING 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

40. Disorder

JOHNNY
May 7th 2005

I saw her eyes grow glossy and I felt her grip on my arm tighten.

"He..." She pushed her head into my shoulder. "I'm not ready to tell."

"That's okay..." I didn't push her. I would have, but she was so fragile right now, I just couldn't do that to her.

We were interrupted when we heard a scream in the next room. I recognised it was Shannon, because I heard her scream when I accidentally hit her with a rugby ball.

But it was different. It was the most heartbreaking sound I'd ever heard come out of somebody's mouth.

Missy being the good sister she is, she got up and wiped her tears, worrying for her built in best friend.

And just like that, she'd gotten into the logical headspace instead of the emotional one. Like this, she could say or do anything and still not show any expression. It was how she had lived for her entire life, she'd told me once.

We both went into the other room, a bigger living room, and felt confused when Shannon was sobbing and screaming, laying on the floor.

At least, I was confused.

My Mam spoke. "Darren just got a call," Her voice broke. "There was a fire at the Lynch house."

My girlfriend went to her knees to comfort her little sister, but she didn't feel the same grief. I saw it in her eyes. She was sad. She felt regret.

She didn't feel grief. Partially because, to her, her parents had been dead for a long time. She had grieved them enough already. Missy knew it was coming.

She already knew her Mam was dead, and she always anticipated it would be at the hands of that monster.

It almost made me cry. I lowered myself to the floor as well, just rubbing my girlfriend's back.

Darren and my Mam soon told us to get out of the room because Shannon couldn't stop screaming.

I later heard from Da that she was sedated.

My heart hurt for the Lynches, especially for my girlfriend.

There was nothing I could do.

•

JOHNNY
May 8th 2005

"Da?" I walked into his office.

He looked up. "Yes?"

"I need to talk to you about something," I announced.

He raised an eyebrow. "Alright, sit down."

"Just before we got the news about the fire," I started. "Melissa was trying to tell me something."

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know." I shook my head. "She wasn't ready to tell me. I just figured you'd have some advice."

"Did she sound like she was in danger?" He asked. "Because then, I can try to talk to her."

"Not anymore, Da," I felt guilty. "I knew. I mean, I didn't know how far it went, but I knew it happened. I should have said something... it's against my judgment not to. I could have stopped this. He would have been behind bars."

"Don't spend your life blaming yourself for something you couldn't prevent," My father gave me advice as he always did. "Those children would've told someone if they wanted anyone to know."

"So, what do I do when she's hiding something?"

"I'll tell you that it's her secret to keep, and she will share it with you when she's ready. She really does love you, son," He told me. "Puppy love might be the best kind."

I ran my hand over my hair.

"How are you? I don't want you to forget that you're my number one priority, son."

"I'm okay, it's just..." I shrugged. "God, I love her."

My father smiled. "I see."