CHAPTER 19

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The memory still felt raw, as if the pain had only just subsided

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The memory still felt raw, as if the pain had only just subsided.

When I asked him if he wanted to know more, his response was slow and deliberate.

He nodded, his eyes tinged with a redness that spoke of a struggle within him.

There was something in his gaze that made me feel seen, truly seen. He stepped closer, gently caressing my cheek with his thumb, a gesture so tender that it almost broke me.

"Tell me," he urged, his voice soft but insistent.

At that moment, I couldn’t hold back anymore.

I rested my head against his chest, the vulnerability I felt almost suffocating.

The words spilled out of me, each one carrying the weight of the months I had kept hidden inside.

When the vomiting phase started during my pregnancy, it was unbearable. It was towards the end of my first trimester, and I remember it vividly. I had to take leave from college, right in my fourth and most crucial year. I had to give up so much, but I did it for my baby, to bring her into this world.”

I could feel his heartbeat under my ear, steady and strong, as I continued.

Every time I ate something, I felt the urge to puke. I would run to the washroom and stay there for what felt like an eternity—thirty, sometimes forty minutes—vomiting until there was nothing left in me. My throat burned, and I couldn’t manage anything on my own. I was alone, completely alone. There were times I thought I wouldn’t make it, that the pain would swallow me whole.”

The tears I had been holding back finally escaped, and I felt his hand move to my hair, gently stroking it.

The sensation was familiar, comforting, reminding me of the rare moments when my mom or Ira would do the same.

But this was different it was him. In that instant, the emotional walls I had built came crashing down, and I let myself feel, truly feel, the pain, the fear, and the relief of sharing it with someone.

His touch, his presence was the solace I hadn’t realized I needed.

For the first time in a long while, I didn’t feel so alone.

I remember when my first trimester was on end.

I sat in the corner of my tiny apartment, the walls closing in around me as the weight of everything bore down on my chest.

The food on the plate in front of me had grown cold, the steam long gone. I forced myself to take a bite, trying to convince myself that it was for the baby. But it felt useless.

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