Competition

Affects of ed- Rebecca

Rebecca's pov

I really enjoyed spending time with the girls, I feel like I know them better. Most of all I'm just glad they want to help me. Plus I did what I said I would I didn't eat from Thursday evening up until Friday evening when I hung out with the girls I just had water! That is kind of a flex for me but it wasn't really that hard. I've learned that I don't tend to eat because I'm actually hungry more so because I am bored or don't want to feel hungry.

They told me to download my net diary so I did , I just logged what I ate today just guesses. I'll be honest though because I have to log it sometimes I'll get to lazy and simply not eat. Although not eating was difficult Friday since my mom was home and suspicious. However that is loads better than stuffing myself, and her just making more food.

I opened up the Snapchat GC to more snaps of skinny bodies and crazy step counts. These girls are all so beautiful there is only on boy in this GC but I don't pay much attention to him. Its the girls that I want to look like.

Slim legs, visible collar bones, toned or flat stomachs small but perky boobs. I mean that is my dream.

" I hope to look like you guys one day, I'm finally taking weighloss seriously." Then I closed my phone and relaxed.

Because I have B.E.D I'll eat till I'm so rediculously full that I'll throw up. It's disgusting then I'll be hungry again and I'll just keep on eating. So much so that the pressure in my stomach makes me feel like I am exploding and then moving around is so painful. I knew I was having problems I was always in pain my knees always hurt going up the stairs and I was struggling to fit into spaces. So last week I scheduled a doctors appointment.

I had that doctor's appointment this morning and it went terribly. That is to be expected since I weigh almost 260 pounds. I'm used to hearing you need to loose weight it's putting to much pressure on your joints or your breathing issues come from your weight. Your chest is to heavy for your lungs to expand under. However today I heard;

" Rebecca, your pre- diabetic" as soon as he said that I kind of tuned him out. I used to watch fat positive YouTube videos all the time, those girls would say things like " it's genetic" and " why is eery treatment for a fat person losing weight!" So on an so Fourth, I tried to get those things to apply to me but they don't, my family isn't fat. Anyone who weighs over two hundred pounds is also above six-foot but not me.

But as I sat there in the office, I remembered what I used to say to myself.
" I'll never get that bad."

" If I have health problems I'll loose weight."

" I don't have health issues so it can't be that bad."

" Everyone likes curves."

But the people in the fat positive movement don't want you to loose weight they want you fat and sick. I used to feel superior to them since I had no diagnosed health issues related to being fat. Not anymore. I idolized Tess holiday, lizzo , and Jordan from TikTok. Those were my role models, however they also never share any health problems they may have.

I went out onto my backyard with a glass of water and a bowl of chips not the whole bag this time, I guess I'm practicing portion control now. I logged 30 chips into my food diary. The doctor did say I should loose weight and cut back on sugar hopefully just logging my food will make me aware of what I'm eating and my imobolizing binges will become less common and maybe one day I won't be pre- diabetic. But that moment isn't right now, and I want to loose weight for more than just health I want to be able to actually see my facial bone structure and to not always be bloated, I want to comfortably fit in public bus seats.

I have people I can talk to about my body image, my partner included but sometimes I just want to hate myself alone. And I'm ashamed to share this with my group chat. When ever they share a binge it a sandwich, some protein cereal and one or two cookies. Mine are closer to triple that. Elizabeth never binges, lucky, smart, and devoted girl.

I also NEED to fit in with my new friends. They all have bpodes it looks like they worked so hard for. I mean Lee has to spend hours in the gym to look like that. And fix my health problems I don't want to die because I love food.