Competition

Cates ed

Cate's pov

Finally I'm back from gymnastics, my black leotard is painfully tight on my skin and I can't wait to yank it off. I head to my room ready for my nightly ritual.

Switching on my tv after 20 minutes f journaling to a Exoticals united YouTube video. I start my ritual.

I have my little weight management tricks since I don't have regular access to a scale, my mom took it away when she felt like I was too obsessed with my weight last school year. She was right to take it away I was infatuated with the number on the scale regardless of how my body looked. But now I actually care about the figure I create. Everyone knows the fingers around your wrist, however I also always try to be able to wrap both hands around my upper and lower thigh and have them touch. I also do the wrist trick on my ankles, and try to touch my hands together across my back, and I put both hands around my neck and I always want them to touch. At any point on any part of my body if they don't touch I feel so shitty.

Basic weight tips, for me anyway. No scale is not an excuse to be stupid. Or to claim you can just let all your healthy eating habits go.

" I seriously need to buy a scale, who knows if this measurement thing is even any good." I say into my video diary. I start on my rant of the day.

" As an Asian I know the beauty standard somewhat pale, cute, thin, like beyond thin, I also know the whole American idea of Asian beauty standards with the whole anime girl nonsense. I know kpop and kpop idols has influenced this idea of Asian thinness but they have to look a certain way for there job, like models. " I sigh

Then I pull my hair into a ponytail and start chugging water, today it's lime and mint. It's crucial for me, I dislike the taste of absence of taste in normal water so I add lime, lemon, mint, cucumber, celery, or oranges. I turn back to the camera. I've been thinking about trying chia seed water instead of mint and cucumber but chia seeds almost look like baby bugs plus the texture looks bleh.

" I can't purge at home, me and my younger brothers share a bathroom and my walls are thin people will hear me. I also don't want my brothers to see me doing that. That's why I purge at school or work maybe even out with friends, if we've been eating a lot of greasy food while hanging out. " I take a large sip of water and twist my pony tail around my finger. While I adjust my septum with my other hand.

" However I have self control I can restrict my food I will eat my favorites, just low calorie versions, or maybe low carb or low fat. low calorie meats, ice cream, peanut butter, crackers and other sweets, I have control but I wish I had Regina or Emma's self control, I'm not like them I'm not even like Lee who can go and burn all the calories off. Sometimes though, I just stop caring and eat whatever I want. Unlike Lee I'm not incredibly macro nutrient focused however I do try to low sodium. Salt can cause loads of health problems. " I finish my water and throw the bottle away.

" You know I drink all this water to make purging easier the food absorbs the water and it slides up easier, but I haven't had to much to eat today and even if I had I can't purge it. I just wanted to feel full, water helps with that, plus it just keeps everything moving an old teammate of mine use to take laxatives and would drink tons of water to keep things moving. I've never really dipped into laxatives outside of detox tea. But even if I didn't purge I'd drink tons of water. I'm an athlete I need water. It's part of the deal. "

I check my watch and see it's only 8:30 pm. I turn back to my camera. Looking at my reflection in the camera I feel beautiful my hair pulled up looks great my face is slimmer and almost gives siren angel, my eyes are an angelic dark brown that I love, and my light freckles make me look sun kissed. but my body... Is another story.

" It's 8:30 but I don't want to binge so I'm going to take some melatonin and head to bed, something that is becoming to common for me. To me that's just another form of self control, but also self love. I have no reason to stay awake. I'm done with all my school work. My bag is packed for tomorrow and I have my outfit picked out. Night ."

I stop the recording drop into my pj's then I take a pic and post it to Tumblr with the caption:

" Sleeping on an empty stomach"