Competition

Lee's Ed

As I was sitting in the kitchen cooking, I reflected on my eating disorder and how it has changed in the last few years.

When I was first struggling it was all about being small, being slim,I've always had a fast metabolism afnin the black community that and eung slim is hell when I was say 11, I got crawled scawrny by a teacher at school. I was packed on for being thin. The beauty standard in the black community has always been thick thighs, boobs ad a but. So, having never been any of that, iv never been perfectly beautiful or attractive within the black community. Now, however, as I've changed, it's about being muscular and not losing that muscle. I even have a nice muscle booty while still maintaining my abs. My fear of losing muscle whenever I'm not able to work out is why I eat so much protein.
It's why I'm constantly doing push-ups, body weight dips, and so on. So it's gone from anorexia and never being thin enough to the baby steps of bigorexia and not being muscular enough.

"How can I get protein in this? " is a constant thought in my mind almost all I can think about. Every meal I have has either meat or protein powder. Of course, I know I need it. If I want to stay muscular and strong, I need to feed my body foods that will help me grow, but still.

Often, I'll feel my brain switching and saying, " I can't have this. It has no protein." And since I intermittent fast and log everything I'm always checking the clock to make sure it's okay for me to eat and I have already added whatever I'm going to eat into MyFitnessPal before I take a bite.

What makes that even worse, is at one point I used to be vegetarian I hated the thought of meat, me being vegetarian was long before I developed anorexia however I still reflect on my vegetarian era and compare it to where I am now. I had my reasons at 11 years old for not eating meat, and yes, meat is processed poorly, but I don't have any control or influence over that.

And in fact, when I was anorexic I never excluded food groups I would eat anything I seriously did not care as long as I stayed under my calorie limit, this could be bags of candy, tons of bread, entire sleeves of crackers, anything but liquid calories though other than that it honestly it didn't matter. But once I started lifting, I was more focused on vegetables, fruits, more protein, and fewer carbs. I actually began to care and care a lot. Granted, I still have a cookie as my sweet treat from time to time. But that's only on occasion.

But now the two side are at war, I try not to eat to many calories at once, I want abs, a flat stomach big biceps and a thigh gap and right now I have it all but is it sustainable? That is the real question. Does it really make me happy? Yes!

I'm lean, muscular, and physically strong. My collar bones are visible, but I have capped shoulders. I'm at a state where it's a mix of the two, however overall I know I want to be healthy.

" I can't eat that." I think as I put the sour cream back in the fridge. I swear I just want to food swap everything here!