Competition

Ed minds - Emma and Lee

Lee's pov

Finally after far to many hours of shopping I'm home. I really like the dresses I bought. Nice and simple but still elegant however I am a bit upset I've lost enough weight for the waists of my dresses to be to big. It's hard to see my body naturally drop weight with no effort as a recovered anorexic that weightloss can cause a relapse. Plus I'm trying to keep building muscle, I want to keep my baseball biceps and weightloss does not allow me to do that.

" I'm not anorexic or bulimic I might have ednos and bigorexia but that doesn't matter. My goal isn't to loose weight and, I know I can get easily triggers by my own weight loss. I guess in theory I should be happy I've lost weight but I'm not, in theory yes it's because my stomach and abs are more toned but everything still sucks. "

I turn back to the camera as I begin to hang up my new dresses into my already over flowing closet. I could have gone over board with the shopping today but I feel like I didn't. Then again shopping with Emma always distorts my sense of money. The girl has enough to bathe in it.

" Yes loosing weight is good but I don't want to loose my muscle. Then again I have always been thin and muscular so it is likely genetics. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better."

" I could increase my protein, water and creatinine intake and I might gain some muscle as well as water weight over the next month. But with track and weight lifting bulking and cutting isn't the best option."

As I pile up my bags and scarily high recites. I pause to think maybe I should just let my body coast. I'm happy I've recoverd from anorexia I mean I was sick of being thin and with sports I just became more muscular and thin.

" I don't know future Lee, I am honestly happy. I like the overall look of my body I would like to put on more muscle but I don't know if it's about the look, control of my food, or fear of change? I'm honestly not sure how I should feel about everything. But as long as I keep my muscles and of course my ass I guess I'm happy."

" But then again sometimes I feel like I'll never be happy with my body. I'll always find something to change or become obsessive over but that's not what I want for myself. But then again I like the food i eat, my muscles the weigh I work out and so on. I don't want to live my life always trying to change things."

My eating disorders changed my relationship with my body in a terrible way I can't decide between being thin or being muscular. Im constantly sitting between feeling guilty about eating but also I'd hate to loose my muscle so I need to eat.

Plus, as a non binary person seeing all the trans guys on Tumblr who just want to be thin and be there idea of a man. But to me a man is not some disgusting thin guy it's a proper muscular tall man. That's what I want my body to look like, that's the male beauty standard. Especially when it comes to black men, who tend to be more genetically gifted in the muscle department. Then again annoying trans tumbler guys like pierrot doesn't eat or whatever they name themselves after being terminated will always exist.
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Emma's pov

For the first time in months as my driver take me home I decide to open up Twitter. I know I know, Twitter? But yes I'm ashamed what more do you want from me. As per usual I'm still being used as thinspo but the thinspo body isn't my body now. That body is 92 pounds and being so tall that 92 pounds was incredibly small on me.

People idolized me and my body and wanted my tips. But I wasn't anorexic so I had no tips other than pay attention to what you eat. I mean even know I'm more that hesitant to eat protein bars, farm raise fish or honestly any ultra processed food.

With time I've gotten better. Less scared of food, less scared of chemicals but still aware. I know what I'm eating.

Sure I still avoid anything that isn't pastured raised or organic but I've gained weight! I've put on a few pounds, I eat more. I enjoy my food I don't feel scared of what the food might have been cooked in. Hell I made ground beef and bell peppers in normal BUTTER yesterday.

I mean I am better, I'm not so scared and that's what matters. However I guess I miss the idolization that came with that body. However I know I can't go back to that.

I search up the " Starving, interrupted" community, probably one of the most toxic spaces on the internet full of jealousy, junkorexics, undiagnosed mental illness claimers who actually don't even have the mental illness . Oh and of course body checks.

Even though I don't want to get stuck in the crazy space that is Ed Twitter I can't help myself. I see meal inspiration that I still couldn't bring myself to eat , I think it's some form of yogurt bowl, with baby puffs berries and some kind mango syrup on top? It looks disgusting. I could never eat that.

But that mentality is what is wrong with me, the food looks ugly and now I feel like I can't eat it. Granted what I'm seeing on Twitter does look like absolute shit but still. If my brain saw that af thought it looked good I might eat it, but I just can't.

I don't eat a lot of what I'm seeing on Twitter, just to name a few;

Oreos

Cherry pie

Diet soda of any kind

Protein bars

Protein cookies

Lettuce ( I prefer spinach at least it has nutrients)

Whole milk

Mochi

Lemon cake

Black olives

Grilled mushrooms

Peanut butter

Shrimp

White cheddar cheese

Ritz crackers

Green tomatoes

Balsamic vinegar

Olive oil

Air heads

Gum

Added sugar

Sugar free syrup

Just to name a few. I could never be junkorexic . God Twitter sends me on a whole spiral. Even though I feel featri just bought new clothes! I looked great!

Shutting of my phone I turn to my driver.

" Take the long route I need to think."

" Yes senora." My Spanish driver responds, never taking his eyes off the road. I actually really like him, my city is so diverse so I get to see all kinds of different cultures including his.

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Hola!

It me again, back because I got 2.3k reads. Did you guys like the last chapter?

I think I'll update this story as long as I get comments about each part on every part. Once I stop getting comments I'll stop writing, and take that as a sign this story should end !

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