Competition

Affects of Ed -lee

Lee's pov

Saturday after I broke my fast with protein cereal and a cheese stick I flexed my arms and lats in my bathroom mirror.

" I look kind of small" I think to myself. Not small as in short but small as in muscle depleted. Maybe I need to take more creatine or try dextrose?

It's true at least to me I look and feel small it's been a couple of days since I've been to try gym so I know why I feel that way but dang. It's hard feeling like or seeing the mass I've worked hard for slowly go away. Because it's not what I want it's so annoying and unbearable.

There's not one particular, body builder or power lifter I want to look like or idolize. However I do love Alyssa Coppolino but I don't exactly want to look like her. She just posts great YouTube content. I'd just prefer to be, and remain muscular. That's why I eat protein with every meal and constantly do push ups whenever I can. I love handstand push-ups and other body weight exercises. My sister picks on me for a bit but it's what I want.

I know this is what bigorexia and body dysmphoria does to your brain but another part of me knows this is also what I look like in reality. I could try putting on a little weight to gain muscle but if for some reason I stop working out then all that muscle will eventually fall away into fat.

I know I'm not stick thin, my thighs are still massive ad muscular and you can still see my defined biceps and triceps in my arms, my upper forearm still has a but of side but either way I still feel small. Of course I see my body when I'm not flexed and just relaxed and you can undoubtedly see the definition in my arms but I still feel like crap about my appearance no matter how many compliments I get.

That's just life, anorexic often feel like they weigh more than they do. Body dysmphoria convinces them they are fat. They see fat that's not there and for me it's vice versa because I want to be muscular all I can see is thinness and me being small.

However when I was super thin I was aware I was thin, I never thought I was fat. Of course I hated it when my stomach would buldge out in the slightest but still I knew what my body looked like.

It's a bit of a struggle but because I know I want to be big sometimes I feel my old anorexic self creeping up and whispering little thoughts of ,

" Weight loss is good."

" You want to be smaller !"

And

" It's okay you're still toned"

Into my mind. Tired of hating my body I decide to check in on Cate she probably won't see it, she might be sleeping, but I type out.

" I had fun at Regina's last night, I really liked your lunar new year candel. I'm glad you brought Bex she seems sweet I'm sure we can help her out!"

To my surprise she replies quickly.

" Same! And Regina had good snacks, no popcorn, candy, dairy ice cream, mister energy or any crap! Honestly we could make an event out of going grocery shopping together next Saturday! I know what she buys is way out of my price range but I can find something."

That's actually a smart idea gosh I love Cate. She's pretty cool when she's not loosing her temper at everyone. She's always been out average sized girl but she's loosing a bit if weight lately.

" Your so smart and Bex could definitely take some inspiration from what we buy ! We all eat differently I mean I know you enjoy rice cakes and what not! But I prefer protein bars and bell peppers. "

"💋💓" Is my only reply from her. Sometimes she just looses all motivation to talk mid conversation, I hope she. Never gets a boyfriend.

I make a note in my calendar to grocery shop next Saturday and being to check my kitchen for things I might need.