A Nagas tale

self-doubt

I step out of the library finally able to take a breather after putting the girls to sleep. I look up at the snow that has started to fall. 'The surge of aura seems to have caused another snowfall.' I hold out my hand seeing my breath escape my lips in a puff of smoke. 'I can't believe it's already February and the snow has not shown any sign of stopping.' "Good evening Madam Zer!" I look down at the returning troops. I smile "Good evening, all ready for a good rest?" I ask. The men give an excited grin. "It's the weekend! Of course, we are ready for a good rest," they answer. I chuckle at how silly Kogen's team was at times. "Are you waiting for the leader out here?" One of them asks. I shrug "I'd freeze to death if I waited for that busy man out here." I joke. The men laugh knowing full well I was not lying. "We are having a barbecue! We will bring you some meat later!" The youngest of the group waves me bye. I chuckle 'Can't believe they started so standoffish when I first came into Kogen's life.' I look back into the skies and feel the light happy fluff get sucked out by the blinding emptiness I felt. It's been months and my aura has not come back. I fiddle with the small bottle resting against my chest. In these months I have not been able to hear Ashthoren or Don. I look around the cave city hoping to catch a glimpse of Iris's Wisp. She had not shown up since I lost my aura months ago either. Where my head used to be so full of voices from Ash and Don arguing over the best solutions or curiosity about what some foods tasted like. It's now empty, so quiet I can hear my self-doubts eat away at my mind. I hold my coat tightly as a gust of wind enters the cave. I can no longer feel aura and I have become just as clumsy as I was before. Kogen and I have not cooked in a long time since the others insist on making the food for us. All I have had to worry about recently is the girls and resting. Looking after the girls has become so much easier since Yuri gave me this bottle with my aura. Kogen still insists on helping with them not letting me wake up at night unless it's for the girls to eat. I felt like without my aura and information about my tribe I'd become useless. I look at the once-empty city of Ra shimmer in the darkening skies. "Why are you out here?" I turn my eyes to Kogen as he walks up with a large buck on his back. 'he went hunting at this hour?' I smile at him. "I just needed a little breather," I answer. He sets the buck down and walks up the steps. He put his thumb on my lips frowning as he looked at me. "Your lips are turning blue." He tells me. I shake my head "I'm fine, I haven't been out here that long." I answer. He sighs "Inside." He nudges me to move. 'but I've been inside all day!' I want to argue. "Audrey, you'll freeze to death." He grumbles. I can see he is worried so I turn to walk into the building. "Stay there, I'll go wash up quickly." He instructs me once I am inside the door. I watch him walk down the steps once more. I close the door and walk back to the sleeping area. I look at Tabitha and Astrid who have grown a lot since they were born. I look around myself 'Kogen has been out of the library a lot.' The thoughts start dripping like a leaking faucet. 'Is he tired of how much work being with me is?' I close my eyes and start looking for something to distract myself. 'Has he grown tired of how clumsy I am? Have I lost my shine? Am I no longer interested since I've lost my aura?' The questions and self-doubt started to overflow in my head. I stand on the second floor of the library holding a stack of books I had not put away yet. These thoughts paralyze me where I stand. I touch the bottle resting against my chest. 'I've noticed him touching the bottle a few times while I sleep.' I set the books down and take a deep breath. 'Audrey, it's just in your head.' I remind myself. I rest my palms on the table and try to calm myself down. I remove the necklace from around my chest and set it down on the table. 'He still loves me, he is just busy with repairing the damaged city and our town.' I remind myself. 'What if he's found somebody else out there?' I feel my bones turn to static while thinking of that. My skin tingles like flesh-eating beetles found my warm untouched corpse. I shake my head 'No... there is no way.'  I shake my head wanting that thought to leave my head. 'Why else would he stop wearing the choker you gave him?' This voice I knew was not mine. These doubts are not spoken with my voice. 'He is tired of how fat you've gotten.' I feel somebody pinch at my remaining baby fat. I step away from the table. 'You look so ugly of course he does not want to be with you anymore.' I shake my head 'No shut up!' I quickly run down the steps. I pull my coat out of the chair and slip it on. 'I need to get out of here.' I quickly rush out of the door running towards the cave mouth. I step out into the forest that I've known as home. I quickly rush to the graveyard where I can try and clear my head. I sit down next to Iris's grave the snow covered it partially but I can see her headstone. The snow is cold against my legs but I do not care. I take a deep breath 'There is no way any of that is true!' I tell myself trying my hardest to negate all of the negative thoughts. 'There have been a lot of new girls from Roys place that have come to help with the repairs! I've seen a few swoon over the Leader!' I recalled the conversation I overheard before. I shake my head 'No, It's nothing like that.' I look at the snow covering Iris's grave. 'I bet those girls are fit and beautiful.' My mother's poisonous tongue takes its jabs at me. I take a breath and look up at the skies above. 'They probably have more interesting hobbies other than reading and yarn works.' My heart hurts with the thoughts. 'what if he did find somebody more interesting? What if... I am already old and used to him?' The doubts seem to drag me into a numb spiral. 'Will this be it? Will I be thrown away?' I curl up hugging my knees. 'Am I going to be thrown away again? Like yesterday's newspaper?'